What getting through a meal is like...

I know that those without eating disorders are curious about what occurs in our minds: the noise, the thought processes, and the guilt. This is everything you want to know and more...

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The noise

The noise that constantly exists is like a never-ending beep throughout not just my meal, but prior, during and after. The noise is an incessant chatter, like a million little voices telling me every second of every day that I'm not enough, I don't deserve food, I'm greedy, a waste of space, a burden, a nuisance, and an inconvenience. And when you think like that, you look for evidence of it day to day. For example, I find it in the looks of people I'm convinced are upset with me, and I find it when anything goes wrong, immediately assuming fault. The noise never leaves. It’s not a beautiful noise like honey bees humming; it’s a noise that leaves with it wherever it goes, a taint, a stain, an imprint, and a grievance.

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The thought process

The thought processes I have throughout a meal are calories, restriction, comparison, body image and weight. I spend the entire meal adding and subtracting not just the calories for that one meal, but also the calories for the entire day and even in the coming days, sometimes weeks. It's debilitating. I don't see food as food anymore. Instead, I see a number. I am constantly on the lookout for ways to restrict, and during the meal, I wait to find opportunities where I can potentially hide food to make my total daily intake less. Everything is always, always about 'less' and never about 'enough'. That's sad, isn't it? To be constantly wanting to reduce yourself instead of growing, evolving, or conquering. I compare the food I eat with the food those around me are eating, deciphering their quantity and portion. Equally, I compare my body to theirs, trying to calculate their body in the way I also calculate mine. But I don't want this to deter you from thinking everybody with an eating disorder is judging you and your body throughout their meal. It isn't like that. It's an observational component linked only with an internal feeling of low self-worth and never about your self-worth. My body image and weight are at the forefront of my mind throughout my meal, but more saddeningly so, throughout my everyday life. However, it is especially significant throughout a meal, sometimes struggling to even look at myself without feeling ashamed of my body weight, which I always consider to be too high. The thought process throughout meals is harrowing.

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The guilt

Guilt is my primary emotion every day, and it has been for the last decade. Eating anything makes me feel incredibly guilty, as does the idea of it. The guilt is like a spider web inside of me with a million different directions and avenues leading to a sticky mess where I'm at the centre. The entire time I'm eating, I experience this emotion, over and above every word of conversation. The conversation is always hard to engage in because I'm so wrapped up in my world of guilt. It's like trying not to focus on the colour yellow when somebody tells you to think of the colour yellow. It's like this wicked game within myself of sadness, despair, and hopelessness. It’s a battle that cannot be won.

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Getting through meals is easily the hardest part of my day, every day. Getting through meals when you have an eating disorder is like going to the Olympics, facing a crowd and having to perform. Though you never feel at your best, and only ever at your weakest. The fight is fierce. The hurdles are apparent. The failure is to be expected. So, it is incredibly important and valuable to be a voice of kindness and compassion during this daily scenario. You can undoubtedly be a support to drain the noise, the thoughts, and the guilt.

Kisses,

COS x