MY ANOREXIA RECOVERY BUCKET LIST
- Luka
- 4 minutes ago
- 3 min read
Dolls, the last few blog posts I've written have been very black, reflecting the reality of my current situation. However, while a lot of hope has been lost in recent weeks, I don't want to completely throw in the towel. This post is a focus on recovery to offer my family, friends, followers, and subscribers a bit of glimmer.
My Mum and I have been obsessed with Paris for my whole life. My Mum and I both speak French, and although we've both been, we haven't been together. It's probably each other's biggest bucket list items that we share. The prospect of wandering Parisian streets, Â doing macaroon tasting, tourist sightseeing, and simply being is all kinds of delightfulness that we want to experience side by side. But 'one day' soon became something out of reach and unattainable with my physical and mental health. We both know it would be tainted by my illness, which breaks both of our hearts because it's another thing that anorexia has stolen from us. I wish to be in a place where I can do all of the touristy things with my mum, make her proud and have fun... simple, joyous, and pleasurable fun. I wish for it to be easy in the way we'd always imagined it to be. I want to do this for her. I want to do this with her.
I am absolutely ruled by calories. I count obsessively and restrict myself constantly. I am so very fatigued and exhausted from being a prisoner to my own mind. I can't explain how the cyclical renewal of everyday torments me. I feel seriously depleted of freedom, liberty, choice and most fundamentally, happiness. So I wish for just one day, one sweet day, where I don't have to count, in which I can surrender and be free. I want a day like this more than anything.
This year, my doctor told me that I was too sick to work anymore. Working was the way I made my friends, connected, and earned money. So this news was a real challenge for me to come to terms with, accept and act on. Resigning from my job took a mental toll. Additionally, it was an emotional rollercoaster, one that I'm still on, and experiencing every moment of the day I'm not at work. Whilst I was in the workforce in my recent years, being sick made it a challenge. I often felt fatigued and preoccupied with my own mental illnesses. So I look forward to the day I'm not just well enough to work again, but well enough that the quality of work exceeds what it has in the past. That will be a beautiful day. And the first thing I will do is, on me, buy my family and me a round of drinks. I just know that I will feel so honoured, grateful, and proud.
Dolls, these are the bucket list items that are at the forefront of my mind, the ones I would choose first if I were granted 3. It makes me incredibly emotional to reflect on these items, as I don't know if there is a future in which they occur. And I don't want to die knowing I never accomplished things that were significant to me. Please hold hope for me, Dolls.
Kisses,
COS x
