Nobody Has Ever Regretted Recovery.
- Luka
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
Oh, anorexia, when will you stop lying to me, to everyone, and to yourself? Nobody, Dolls, has ever regretted recovery. Recovery is like the chains around your feet being unlocked, after years of insufferable lagging, an evil force bringing you down incessantly, even when you want to fly, to be free. Recovery is so fucking beautiful.
How I started recovery:
I started, and still, every day I increase just how far I've come, how far I'm coming.
I started one night after watching a Ben Affleck movie in which he and his brother had 'DFQ' , (Don’t Fucking Quit) tattooed on their arms. I looked back on my life and thought about how, every day, I am a quitter. In choosing anorexia over and over again, I was quitting life, quitting my family, quitting my future, quitting my friendships, and so much more. I am ashamed to say that part of me didn't mind quitting some aspects of my life in favour of pursuing anorexia; however, I can firmly say that I have never, ever, been okay with quitting my relationships. That's the one that bothered me to the point that my skin was burning, feeling like the little me was just begging to get out, crying, screaming, in agony: 'Feed me. Let me out. Let me be free.' It will physically hurt when you find the thing you aren't okay with quitting anymore. But that pain isn't recovery, it's anorexia trying to hold on, and that's when you have to push the most. So I did. I went downstairs the following night, sleepless over my mistakes of choosing anorexia over and over. I said to my mum: 'What one? Ensure, fortisip, or up and go.' And in the end, after that first sip of FortiSip, I realised I couldn't choose any of it ever again. So I had all three that night. And I have had at least one of those every day for 11 weeks now, three months next Monday. And boy, have I gained weight. But I'm so sick of having to profess that. Because recovery isn't about the weight you gain, that's pointless, in my opinion, irrelevant. If you spend the rest of your life professing your weight, mitigating it, and obsessing over it, you have nothing left. You have no memories, no joy, no self-worth. How I started is the way I intended to end it: free, hopeful, and excited. That should never be dimmed because you're afraid of weight. It: life should always be that beautiful and treasurable in the way it is for everyone else. I believe you deserve what everybody else deserves, and for the first time in my life, I believe I deserve it, too. And that is because I chose... I choose recovery.
How I stayed in recovery:
To be really honest with you, Dolls, I stayed for the tits and the ass. I wish I were joking. But nobody has ever looked at a sick, starving anorexic girl and thought she was beautiful unless they were extremely twisted, perverted, immoral, and delusional. Anorexia is not beautiful, and that is the point I am trying to make. I know that the comments I've received over the years professing my beauty have been pedophilic and concerning. The most beautiful women in the world are proud of their womanly features, and that is desirable. I've spent years chasing a false sense of beauty... even the thinnest people in the media are not anorexic, and they still have beautiful features... Kendall Jenner, Hailey Bieber, Maranda Kerr, and Kate Moss, to name a few. These women are thin, no doubt, but are they dying, near to a coffin bed? Absolutely not. It helps, for me at least, to have these reference points. Of course, Dolls, there is another monumental element of anorexia that I am without a doubt not dismissing. It is not all about appearance, and many people, including me, have at times hated how thin they got, how bad they let their illness control them. Anorexia is often experienced by those who have been abused. And if not abused, traumatised by certain elements of their lives, at times when they felt out of control. This element of anorexia cannot simply be wished away by wanting bigger boobs and a bigger butt. If it were that simple, recovery would be easy, and anorexia wouldn't be the most widespread and deadliest mental illness to date. For the control element of anorexia, the aspect that goes beyond looks, you have to do what I did and find an element of recovery that makes you feel in control. I found control in recovery. I found control in acknowledging and honouring my hunger. I found control by placing my sick desires of control in alternate forms of life; chasing a stable profession, study, and relationships with worthy, honourable, and trustworthy humans.
The best things about recovery... the reasons nobody regrets it:
For the first time in a decade, I am consistently at every meal eating adequately without compensation or restriction involved. The joy that brings my family is unexplainable; it's a look and a feeling, not words. It's the sunshine on a rainy day. It's the music to their ears. It's a honey bee's honey. This. Is. Happiness and freedom.
Not counting calories for the first time in a decade is liberating. My life is so much better since I stopped doing that. I get to eat out, I get to have the energy to dance, walk, and sing, and I get to be myself... have my personality and laugh.
I've laughed so much in the last week since I found the ability and courage to begin eating out at restaurants again, and that feeling has been sublime. I remember one time in a hospital with a girlfriend I'd known for several years... We looked at each other with tears in our eyes, and both said to each other, 'I don't remember the last time I laughed.' That was a low point for me. Now, I do remember the last time I laughed. It was me laughing at my dog, who has no teeth, because I was sharing a full-fat, full-carb, cheddar cheese quiche with him, and he got egg all over himself and shared it around the entire balcony. I couldn't help but have a full body laugh, my tummy hurting, my mind joyous, my heart full. I looked at my annoyed mum and thought, ‘This right here is my perfect little family of three, and I couldn't be happier if I tried.’ The best thing in the whole world is knowing you are loved, and I felt nothing but it in that beautiful moment.
Nobody regrets recovery because starving yourself shows nothing but self-hatred and low self-worth. Recovery is all about showing yourself that you’re more than what your mind tells you or what a bully in school taught you, or how a family member made you feel. Recovery is finding yourself again, living the life you always wanted to live with the people you love. Recovery is life, is love, is home.
Kisses,
COS x
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