YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS

'Luka doesn't deserve this' was something my neighbour said to my mum about how I have anorexia. My mum relayed it to me, and I thought it was put so eloquently and lovingly... It stuck with me. I've learnt, since then, even more so, how cruel, careless, and conniving this illness is to its sufferers, opening my eyes up to the undoubted truth that nobody deserves a life with anorexia.

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What is it that nobody deserves? What is the dreadful suffering that anorexia implements into people's lives? It begins with the body image, in my opinion. It begins with how anorexia teaches its victims to hate themselves, all that carries their soul, and their entire body. It says 'you're too big', 'you're too shapeless', or 'you're too wide' until you hate all of you so much that even a photo, let alone the daily reflection in the mirror, is riddled with disdain, discontent and shame. I feel immense sadness to recall the things anorexia has made me feel about myself, whether it be as I walked past that mirror or as I looked at the image that stared back at me in photos. It's been 14 years of self-hatred and despisement, some points of which were as low as forcing myself to eat naked in front of the mirror, tormenting myself, pushing my body to a point at which there was zero respect or love left. I know, sadly, that many people engage in similar behaviours at the extreme end of anorexia nervosa. How could anybody deserve to hate themselves so much that they deprive themselves of life's necessity, and not just necessity but wonderful enjoyment and pleasure?

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You don't deserve it because, as my beautiful mum reminds me, to be born was your birthright. And to have the right to be born into this life is to have the right to live life, through nourishment and through necessity. You deserve it because you've suffered enough. You are more than your body, you are more than the eating disorder, you are more than other people's comments, and you are more than the shadow that follows you. The longer you've been starving yourself, the more the patterns are cemented and ingrained. Though it may be hard to believe you deserve more at first, with time, you will learn to undo the consistent actions of your past, the ones that once tormented you but will now bring you relief that you are not where you once were. And it will feel powerful.

Deserving more is powerful, as is believing you deserve it too.

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It may surprise you, but I didn’t just write this blog post for others; I wrote it for myself, too. I want to remind you and me that no matter how incredibly challenging recovery feels on some days and in some moments, nothing will ever and has ever been as challenging, frightening, and lonely as living a life with anorexia.

Kisses,

COS x