The Pit Of Self-despair.

To hate yourself in the form of an eating disorder:

It is not to have bad days.

It is not to have good ones.

It’s an underlying feeling that never leaves.

And I think so many people don’t understand how the pain is something that never goes away, even when you smile, even when you laugh, even when you’re there.

They don't understand that no matter how good it seems, no matter how good it seems, a part of you will always just want to be in bed, crying, dying, yearning for the sickness, the suffering, the twisted joy, and looking in the mirror and marvelling at your disease.

Call me when you have nothing to say.

Call me when you want to break up.

Call me when you have something nice to say.

My inner voice is you - you’re all I hear.

You’re the wind that blows, the goosebumps on my skin, and the tears in my eyes.

I wanted more from life.

So many people saw this light in me,

But you made me dark.

You made me miss out, fall apart, lose.

I was supposed to,

My friends and I were supposed to,

My family and I were supposed to,

Love, live, and share.

But I hid away; I crawled into the shell you made for me because you told me it was safe.

I did everything you told me.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why do we convince ourselves that we’re nothing when we had every reason in the world to believe we were enough?

The happiest moments in your life will be the moments without anorexia,

Though,

A part of you will always believe that’s not the case.

And that is the nature of the illness.

The illness will always convince you that the sickest version of you is the best version of you.

The illness will always convince you that beauty lies within self-hatred.

The illness will always convince you that in solitude and self-sacrifice, there is peace.

But there is no peace; there is only chaos, only heartache, and only destruction.

The most beautiful thing in the world is to hate yourself every day and to choose to tell that part of your brain to fuck off so that you can live a life worthwhile.

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Eating disorders are so heavily misunderstood, a tragedy for the people who are afraid to show their faces and are given every reason to when the world’s lack of understanding cements the fear they were so worried about. This is why it’s so important for people to know that when you’ve suffered for years, even months or years into recovery, things are not suddenly okay. Just as the world doesn’t have changes of heart overnight, neither does evil anorexia. It lingers, it rules, it broods for years, for lifetimes. We need to start commenting on how strong you have to be to go through this journey and decide to get up and show your face to the world, not on bodies, not on food, because that is not what this is about; that is not what this was ever, really, about.

Kisses,

COS x