Hello, Dolls!

By the time I founded my blog, my eating disorder had taken everything from me, or so I thought. Since the founding of my blog, I've profoundly declined in so many unique and heartbreaking ways. But at the time, I didn't have the will to live, Dolls, for I felt lost, directionless, and passionless. Something that people with eating disorders will know all too well is that they rob you of the things you once loved; I never sang anymore, I never wrote anymore, and I never enjoyed the experience of food anymore. I didn't just want a passion, I needed a passion, and I craved a passion. I still remember when I came up with the idea to begin a blog because my family were out of town for a week and I’d spent 6 days forming the logistics of domains, emails, accounts etc. so that on the 7th day, of their return, I had not just a blog to show them, but a published blog entry under each of my blog categories to read to them. It was the most excited I'd been about anything in years, and that wasn't just monumental and special to me, but to my parents, who love me with their entire heart and had had their lives just as tinged with how much I'd suffered with my mental health in the previous decade. The blog began as something for me, of course, but my main purpose in its establishment was to aid other sufferers and their families. This is because I’d never felt so alone in the years coming up to my blog; professionals misunderstood me, many families misunderstood me, and even so, shockingly, many eating disorder sufferers I knew misunderstood me, perplexed by how extreme my case of anorexia was. This loneliness became something I knew like my shadow; it was always there, so much so that instead of following me, it began to consume me. I wanted other people who were as sick as me to find comfort in my words and my case. I never expected, though, that I would be as successful as I have become. I remember squealing with joy when I received my first message from another girl who shared my experience. She lived on the other side of the world. This was everything I’d worked for. And so when I got my second, and then my third, and then my hundredth, I felt disbelief but immense, immense gratitude. Equally, my second purpose was to educate the people who had family, friends, clients, or colleagues with an eating disorder. I understood anorexia so well, and yet, nobody else, aside from my Mum and Dad, knew it in the way that I did. I spent so many occasions of incredible vulnerability and sickness, facing triggers I never should have had to face. I was called ‘chunky’ when I had a 3 in front of my weight, I was called treatment resistant when I desperately wanted recovery, and I was called selfish when I was fighting for my life for my family. Additionally, although my Mum and Dad spent years doing everything they could to understand my illness, it took many years for them to reach that place... many years of learning, asking, and trying. Within that time, there were many things I had to educate them on, and that felt exhausting at times for somebody who was so mentally and physically fatigued. I wanted to help others like me by writing all the words they didn’t know how to form, ask, or explain. I wanted to take away another difficult task, which could be likely confrontational, so that they could focus on their personal mental health and wellbeing. I wanted to be a light for them. When my parents began to share my blogs with families on a family eating disorder Facebook page, we all began receiving this incredibly positive feedback, saying how much my words had either helped or resonated with them and what their loved one was undergoing. It felt beautiful and delightful to be a part of something that I’d spent years hoping I could assist in. Everything I’d worked for with my blog was unfolding before my eyes. I still cry sometimes from the touching messages my Mum reads out to me, words of either praise, encouragement, or gratitude. I hope more than anything that my blog will carry out its many purposes for years to come. I will continue to type until my fingers bleed. My blog means the moon and the stars to me, Dolls, and I thank each and every one of you for allowing me to help in every way I know how. 

All of my love,

Luka from COS x