SICK ENOUGH

To somebody without anorexia, I understand that this use of language is completely unfathomable and alien, as most people do everything in their power to avoid sickness. But for somebody with anorexia, this is an all too real thought process that I want to shed light on for the purpose of education and understanding.

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If you live trying to be sick enough, you will die a person who still believed they weren't.

I've come close to death more times than some experience in a lifetime, and I'm only 22. Each time, at the time, I didn't feel sick enough. Additionally, I refused help and was willing to do anything to be sicker. I realise now that it doesn't matter what weight I am, I always have a small leeway for how much I'm 'allowed' to gain or maintain, and I don't care about anything else other than feeling like I'm in the 'zone' of safety. When I fall out of this zone, only as an outlier of increase, I feel like the world around me is crumbling, that I am a failure, and that I would rather die than see a number that means I'm living. And when you're inpatient, the need to be the sickest is all-encompassing. For those who don't know, eating disorders are a highly competitive illness and in an inpatient setting, you are forced to eat when you are also forced to stare at and be around other people who are of sickly weights. And that takes an indescribable level of difficulty; to be immensely triggered, with a constant reminder of that trigger, whilst also being in a state of fear. Seeing others who are sick like you or worse makes your eating disorder want to strive to achieve a lower weight, which feels impossible when you’re in an environment designed to do the opposite: gain weight. So being around that person, looking at them, and breathing their air is like an endless battle with yourself that tells you they are 'better' at their eating disorder than you are, and that you don't deserve to be there.

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Thought process: 'I feel like a fraud if I ask for help right now, because there are sicker patients out there. I have to be as sick as they are before I'm deserving of assistance, deserving of attention, and deserving of validity.'

I think that is why I find eating disorder facilities so hard... I see other people in a boat that is sinking more than mine, and I become ashamed that I thought I was worthy enough to come to the facility. I get overloaded with these thoughts that tell me I'm not good enough and simply that I'm not sick enough. Part of me would rather get closer to death and feel sick enough than be closer to life and feel embarrassment and disbelonging, which are feelings that wrap me up like a towel and squeeze me until I break.

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The first psychiatrist I ever met felt my ribs beneath my hospital blanket and said, 'skinny - but I've seen worse'. It took months of enduring this psychiatrist before I explored my options in terms of specialised ED psychiatrists. And when I came across those, they could see how sick my mind and body truly were. They didn't just feel my ribs; they looked into my thought patterns, my bloodwork, my body composition, bone density and weight. They actually began to tell me I was ‘too sick’ and ‘treatment-resistant’.Then, like a diamond emerging from the rocks, I found my current psychiatrist, who works with anybody at any stage of an eating disorder, because he believes in meeting you where you're at, but always, always hoping that you will recover and edging you further and further, tiny puzzle piece by tiny puzzle piece towards a better future, one sparkling with the possibility of recovery.

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I don't believe it's possible for a person with an eating disorder to truly feel sick enough. That is why input from others can make one's pre-existing beliefs that much harder to bear. I believe it's important to always validate the existence of an eating disorder, because the mental and physical detriment of a person hearing they aren't sick enough is long-lasting.

Kisses,

COS x