THINGS TO LOVE MORE THAN ANOREXIA

Dolls, in my blog posts, I strive to be as raw and vulnerable as possible, reflecting in them what I have experienced in my life. What I discuss most is my eating disorder, as it is truly the most all-encompassing component of my life. But I fear that I fail to reflect the parts of my life that aren't all grim and dreary. Many parts of my life are beyond beautiful, and with an eating disorder, there are silver linings, but you just have to remember to look for them.

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Company

And not just the company of patients you've known for a few weeks or nurses who have a nice smile, but the company of being with your family and best friends. For the past week, my mum, dad, and dog have been away on holiday, and I've been home by myself. I know I'm 22 years old and should be excited for some alone time, but to be honest, I am quite dependent on them with my mental health situation. They bring me such a strong sense of love and connection, as well as support with anorexia. So when they’re not around, I feel really lost, as though they've taken a little part of my heart away with them. I love them more than anorexia, not just for how much they provide for me financially, but emotionally and physically. My little dog is a grand part of this, too. He brings me this sense of companionship... a reason to get up every day. Without all of them simply being there, I forget how loved, wanted, and needed I am, which is a beautiful thing because I know many people who don't experience those emotions from their family members or friendships. I am lucky. So lucky to have this thing that means so much more to me than anorexia ever will. Company in all its forms is critical to living a meaningful, abundant life, and so for those of you who don’t have strong family ties, it is okay if you seek it in the company of patients you've known for a few weeks or nurses who have nice smiles. All that matters is that somebody or something being there with you gives you a reason to fight.

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Gifts

I've always loved gifts. Some people say they love either giving or receiving gifts more than the other, but I love both equally. I love the thoughtfulness that goes into gifts; the fact that somebody wants to convey that you're special enough to them to be worthy of their time spent and money earned. I love that gifts not only bring people together but also develop and enhance relationships. I think everything about a gift is beautiful. They're symbols of love, connection, and pleasure. Whereas, anorexia... Anorexia is none of those things. Anorexia is a symbol of melancholy, isolation, and fear. There is nothing beautiful about anorexia, and that is every reason to love gifts more than it.

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Freedom

Anorexia convinces you that in its grip, you feel happy, but I've learnt that I feel happiness when my plate doesn't petrify my family, when they see me smile again, and when we're all laughing together. It boils down to what type of happiness takes priority, the red or the blue pill, if you will. It is from choosing my family's happiness that I feel the most freedom, as I feel free in those moments to make a choice, the choice to choose between creating a harmonious environment or a prison for everyone, completely void of any freedom, only inhibiting restriction, fear, hate, and control.

Freedom is always available to me, and it is only my mind that disables it from reality.

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Events, Outings & Holidays

Over the Christmas period, I decided that I loved the entirety of Christmas more than I desired to adhere to the rules of anorexia. And it was a very beautiful and special time. I was able to join in on so many things I missed out on during the rest of the year, and it felt incredibly special and rewarding to not just experience the freedom myself but to see the weight it lifted off my parents' shoulders, too. When I put my foot halfway into anorexia, I still feel tortured by it, criticised by it, and saddened by it. In order for me to participate in these occasions, I had to fully immerse myself. I forced flexibility upon myself to redeem the strongest benefit. I completely, as much as I could, let go. I relinquished control of rules and rigidity and prioritised spontaneity. It was like seeing for the first time again, Dolls... truly beautiful.

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I wanted to share things to love more than anorexia because it's important to remember what true love and living entail. Whilst anorexia is a disguise and a demon, love is true care and security.

Kisses,

COS x