EATING DISORDER Q&A

Dolls, I want to do things a little differently to branch out, grow and expand my precious community of Dolls. So I've put matters into your hands and asked you what you want to know.

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How does my OCD manifest?

My obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has been accumulating and transforming since I was a very small child. It began with obsessions about timing and perfection, then evolved into concerns about cleanliness, such as hand washing, and finally, at 19, took the debilitating form of facing concerns around food preparation and contamination. Its final stage was undoubtedly the worst, most severe, and most noticeable. I became a crazy woman, a slave to following the rigid practices and standards my mind instructed me to partake in and indulge in. I currently take a medication called clomipramine, specific to the treatment and management of OCD, which has helped me enormously. Thankfully, now I am able to sit down for a meal with cutlery that hasn't been washed a thousand times, or at a table that hasn't been sanitised and sterilised incessantly. It has eased my suffering immensely, and I am so grateful to be at the place I'm currently at with my OCD. It still exists, no doubt, but now my obsession with routine, order and perfectionism isn't at the forefront of my mind during every task. I am able to push through the discomfort of not engaging with obsessiveness, despite it still being a challenge.

Am I currently in recovery or focusing on harm minimisation?

Dolls, recovery is an overwhelming term to me, and my understanding of what recovery is has vastly changed over the years. Firstly, I imagined it to be the word that represented somebody who'd completely let go of their eating disorder. But that became something so far-fetched for me that I found it unattainable. So I tried to break recovery down into smaller chunks, focusing on things I thought I could achieve, such as challenging fear foods, doing exposure therapy and saying 'yes' to things I was inclined to say 'no' to. I have worked on recovery in the past and been quite successful at times. However, I wouldn't say that's a place I'm currently in. I would definitely say my risk at the moment is high, and my family and I are focusing on hosing down any immediate fires with as much love, bravery and strength that we can muster as a combined family unit. And there are some serious immediate fires occurring in my journey of recovery at the moment. I am unwell and at high risk. It is important not to hide these facts.

Am I in therapy?

I spent many years of my adolescence and adulthood in therapy. During the time I was undergoing it, I didn't always find it helpful; rehashing my traumatising experiences and diving deep into wounds that still felt unhealed. So about two years ago, I made the definitive decision that I was going to cease my therapy sessions. I'd tried so hard to find a therapist that could help me for so many years, and so I decided that perhaps it wasn't about the therapist as much as it was about the therapy as a whole. It was an amazing decision. I have felt a lot freer and in touch with my own interpretation of my life experiences, not somebody else's. I can't see myself ever going back to therapy.

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Dolls, I have loved exploring a new blog format with you, and I thank you for contributing by sending me your most-wanted questions. The interactivity allowed me to feel closer to you, Dolls.

Kisses,

COS x