You're More Than What You Aren't

4 hours ago

3 min read

Someone in my life focuses a lot on what I don't do and who I'm not. I've also battled with mental illness that doesn't allow me to see myself in a positive light. Additionally, post-mental-illness, just being an everyday person, I have self-doubt. But in overcoming anorexia, I've had to learn and accept that I am more than the things I tell myself I am not, and you are too. <3

There are lots of things my dog can't do - he can't wipe his mouth, he's rediculously needy, he tries to bite my nose if I kiss his face, and he eats like a slob. I know this sounds stupid, but I'm not being stupid; when it comes to the ones we love unconditionally, the thought of what they can't do doesn't cross your mind in the same way it probably crosses their own mind. In fact, the things my dog can't do are actually a part of what makes up my love for him. This is a small comparison that allows me to remind myself that the people who truly care about me will focus on the best parts of me, not the worst, and those things will be the things that spark their initial feeling when they think of me.

Many people think that in having reached a full recovery, I can do anything around food. And for the most part, with enough spontaneity and minimal overthinking, I can. But I do still have moments where I struggle to eat with regularity and adequacy. And I still have moments where I feel fear around certain foods. For a while, this person in my life was acting disappointed when I couldn't do everything all of the time. One day, I pointed out to them, that just a few months ago, they wouldn't have believed me if I told them all the things I can now do and do, do everyday. I explained that they wouldn't have even asked the question of whether I wanted something because they knew there wasn't even a chance I'd say yes, whereas now, there is. And thankfully, they saw from there on all that I was and not all that I wasn't. And that allowed me to see that within myself, too.

I have many things about myself that I deem as flaws; to name a few, I think my jawline isn't defined enough, I don't like the right side of my face, I don't think my bum is big enough, I don't think my stomach is flat enough, I don't like the shape of my eyebrows, my hair is too thin and too short, and my collarbones aren't prominent enough. And once upon a time, the most important thing was to turn those things that I am not into something that I am. I disrespected my body's needs so that I could have it all. And in moments, that relieved my struggle. But for the most part, it gave me more things that I wasn't: free, happy, and healthy. Now, I can see that I don't need to spend my life worrying about all that I am not, because there are many things I have that are enough, that others compliment me on, and that make me feel pretty as I am, and just as I am.