You Will Never Catch Me Judging You For What You Eat Or Your Body.
Worrying about food and my body almost killed me; I will never make another person feel that way.
As a society, we are taught so many things about food, ingredients and beauty standards. It's confusing. It's overwhelming. And it gave me an eating disorder. In an attempt to be healthy, I lost my health completely. Worrying and obsessing over ingredients and food made me severely sick for a decade. I lost my freedom and my joy. I lost Sunday afternoon ice cream. I lost long walks. I lost home-cooked dinners. I lost cooking. I lost my life. I lost memories. I lost everything. Those are things I will never get back. Sometimes people say little things to me about their bodies or what they eat, and I just want to tell them that they're safe with me because I understand entirely the feelings, fears and insecurities that come with the current society, and I would never contribute to that. I will always contribute to making sure that the people I love know that I love them for who they are. I would never love anyone less for taking care of themselves, eating, living, dancing, laughing, living. To me, everything will always be more beautiful than your body. To me, I will love you for your abilities, your empathy, your voice, your smile, your attention to detail and your energy. To me, you will never just be a body. To me, you will be everything beyond it.
Life is about the way music sounds on a Sunday morning with laughter in the house, children smiling, and your lover being the only thing you can see. Life is about listening to a person so much that you learn about the way they think. Life is about caring so much it hurts. Life is about ceremonies, family, friendship and a commitment to that. So when another person comments on your body, or what you eat, it can make you feel like it matters, even sometimes, more than those other things. Which is exactly why I will never do that to another human being. Because when it was done to me, repeatedly, it broke my heart; I felt like my worth was based on how 'good' I was around food and that people were more interested in my body than me as a person. My life became so incredibly empty.
And leaving another person feeling empty is close to unforgivable. And certainly, it is unforgettable.
Never in a million years should your life be thrown away,
Never in a million years should you feel worthless.
Never in a million years should you hate yourself.
Never in a million years should you starve yourself.
Never in a million years should you change yourself.
Never in a million years should you miss out on your favourite foods.
Never in a million years should you feel controlled.
You matter. And in case nobody has told you today, you matter to me.
Kisses,
COS x
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