An Ugly Secret Is An Ugly Life & An Ugly Tragedy.
- Luka
- 38 minutes ago
- 6 min read
Dolls, I kept an ugly secret for somebody you all know, not because I was asked to and not because it was insinuated. I kept it because I loved this someone. I kept it because I was afraid of the consequences of it being out. I kept it because of what they did; I became afraid of them. Whilst I will not disclose who this is or what this is about, it applies to anorexia. And so read this in the eyes of that. And perhaps it is them, perhaps it is not. But you will relate, no doubt; everyone has kept one ugly secret, for an ugly life, making for an ugly tragedy.
The person I thought you were was crushed between our bodies like a white rose being run over by a car, and its petals became so squished that their water leaked onto the bitchemen.
In my eyes, you could do no wrong. In my eyes, I would love you and protect you no matter what. And you knew that, didn't you? Oh, yes, you knew that, and you sealed it shut with the tongue between your teeth, grinning, conniving, prying as I stood there helplessly, sweetly handing you the envelope. Oh, how I loved you so. Like the honeybees love the pollen, and like the bears love the taste of honey. I loved you because you vowed to protect me. I loved you because I thought I knew the person you were. I loved you because I thought you were the epitome of true love. I loved you because I thought no matter what, we were best friends forever. And you spoiled it like expired milk. You left everything we had in the fridge for days, then weeks, then months, then years until it was so spoiled there wasn't only no coming back, but there was so much damage that it hurt to smell it, to see it, to feel it. You did everything for me; you were one of my favourite people. You were often the best part of my day, the best part of my week, my reason to get up every day. You were such a big part of my world. You were everything I ever wanted, everything I ever hoped for, everything I lived for. Our love was unique. Our connection was something many people didn't understand, and looking back, maybe that was alarming. Maybe that was the red flag I wished away because everything inside of me felt so completely green. You made me feel green. You made me feel whole. You made me feel everything. Until you made me feel nothing.
You made me empty, numb, sad, and wholeheartedly alone. I'd never felt lonely until you showed it to me. I'd never felt so stuck, so stuck that when I'd go to run, my feet wouldn't move, my mind wouldn't move, and mostly, my heart wouldn't move. I felt like my heart was attached to the version of you that I thought I knew like the back of my hand. And I couldn't let go. Every time my mouth went to speak, every time my hands went to write, I had to protect you. I had to love you in the way you'd loved me for so many years. I had to keep your smile, I had to keep you happy, I had to keep you strong. I believed in you. I believed every day that you would come back to me. But you kept letting me down. You kept telling me, without saying it, and sometimes saying it with other selfish, disgusting words, that you didn't respect me anymore, that you wouldn't protect my innocence anymore, that you wouldn't hold my hand when I needed it anymore. Damn it, you made me so cold and alone. I felt like Alice at the bottom of the hole looking up, seeing the life she once knew and watching it become a world that didn't belong to her anymore. And I loved you so much that no matter what, I never hated you. You did more than enough to make a person hate you. But I never hated you. Right up until the floodgate walls got let down, I cried with fear of the future, shock that I finally had a voice after extended suffering and silence, and with a stab to the core that this was now real. But I never cried with a hatred of you.
You saw me sick, and you thought I was sick enough not to know better. You saw me sick, and you thought less of me. You saw me sick, and you took advantage of me like nothing else. You saw me sick, and you denied me love, protection, safety, and peace. You saw me sick, and in Summer, you cursed me with an eternal Winter. You saw me sick, and you thought you had the right to hurt me more than (you knew) I was already hurting because my life was already a waste. But I am not a waste. And damn you for making me feel like I was. Damn you for keeping my self-worth so low that it barely existed, apart from the 'I love you' I heard my mother say to me as I cried to her in agony over what somebody was doing to me. Damn you for cursing me with an inability to sleep because you made me afraid of nighttime.
My name means 'light ', and you made me afraid of the dark.
I once got excited over the sound of your voice, and now I cower when I hear it. I cower when I hear you speak. I cower when I see your name, your words, your existence. I cower when you get brought up. Your existence is now the reflection of the life you laid out for yourself. And don't you for a second forget that; that you did this to yourself, that you signed away your life with your signature, and that you dug your own grave. You had all the actions; I held all the hurt. You had all the cards; I held none of the tables. I had everything to lose, and you took everything for your selfish, greedy gain.
Was it worth it? Was it worth the lives you destroyed, the one for yourself, the one for my family, and the one for me? And don't you forget about the lives you destroyed. Don't you forget how much you destroyed me. Don't you forget the things I never told you, the objections I was scared to make, the sadness I cried alone, the letters I wrote to expose your secret and flushed it down the toilet, hating myself for remaining true to someone (you) who didn't care about me. Don't you forget the tears I cried, not yelling out my secret to the world. Don't you forget the doctor's appointments I never told you about to get help for things you did in the process. Don’t you forget the suffering you didn’t or wouldn’t see. Don't you forget everything you never knew and everything you'll never know. Don't you forget the child you stole, the person you broke, the laughter that never laughs, the burden I used to carry, and the helpless suffering you enabled and encouraged. Don't you forget the fear of life, oh don't you forget that one. Not just for me, that this would kill my mother, either at your hands or the hands of herself. What are you capable of? What will you do? A thought that rattles around my brain when I think of you, my life, my situation, your freedom. I don't know whether it feels better for me if it was worth it for you or if it wasn't. Because if it was worth it, then you get something. But if it wasn't, you get nothing. And even after all this time, even after all this destruction, it still hurts me to think you have nothing. I still wonder if you're okay. I still have empathy for you. I still wince when I think about you alone in the world because I know how much I helped you, how much I gave you to live for, how much I meant to you. And that says nothing about you and everything about me. I am a good person. And you will die knowing that you are not. You are not a good person. You tried to be in so many ways. But sometimes trying isn't enough. Did you try just to prove yourself? Or did you mean it? Maybe I will die never knowing that.
Was this ugly lie always supposed to be a part of our ugly lives and lead to this ugly tragedy? Was it fate? Was it you? Was it something that happened to you? OR were you plotting to doing this to me all along? Perhaps these are things I will never know the answer to. But there are things you will never know about me, things you wish to know, conversations you yearn for, hugs you'll never get again, and that is your curse now.
Kisses,
COS x
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