Une belle voyage!

Luka
4 minutes ago
3 min read

A weekend without anorexia; a weekend of utter beauty. We spent three full days sipping, unwinding and enjoying - my Mum, Dad, puppy, and I.

One month

While we were on vacation, we celebrated my one full month in recovery. To say that was beautiful is a grand understatement. My family were all preparing to say ‘goodbye’ to me forever just one month ago, so to be saying 'hello' to an abundant life, shared as a family on vacation, full of possibility, fun, relief and 'yes' as opposed to despair, worry, fear and ‘no’. We'd forgotten how good holidays could feel because for so long we’d avoided them in case being out of routine did what it usually did... sent me on a downhill trajectory where my weight declined so much that I had to go to the hospital again, or my rigidity worsened and led to incessant coaxing, arguing and hopelessness. One month is about the days, but it's more about harnessing every day with the excitement, laughter, joy, and freedom recovery brings.

Eating out at dinner

I have struggled to eat in front of people other than my parents for as long as I can remember. This is common for other people with eating disorders because we worry that people will comment on our food and make us battle with what's in front of us even more, that people will make unhelpful conversation surrounding food, bodies, and weight, or that we feel shame for eating what's before us, and anything at all. I have loathed eating in front of people for the past 5 years, mainly because I find it hard to make conversation when I'm facing my biggest demon. My eating out is still something we treasure as a family because, for so long, I've excluded myself from making memories over meal times, and instead eaten before or after going out. A part of eating out, and including myself, is that I get to feel part of life again. Eating out is an occasion that so many people use to celebrate and connect, so despite the courage it takes for me to do it, it's nearly always worth it, especially if I'm just with my family, because I don't have to worry about triggering topics being discussed.

It felt immensely special to be able to eat out all together and celebrate my one full month of recovery, my longest stint of true and self-directed recovery ever.

Having spontaneous ice cream

We were finally on our return voyage home after 3 full days of ultimate bliss. Our satisfaction with the way everything unfolded had reached its highest level, and there was nothing more that could perfect it further than it already had been... or so we thought. Sponatenously, my mum asked if we could get ice cream, and even though I knew saying 'no' was an option and wouldn't put a tint on our holiday, I also knew that saying 'yes' truly would be a cherry on top that would mean the world to my family who do so, so much for me. In the moment that she asked us that, I thought about the way I want to reflect on my life when I'm old. I imagined remembering the holiday with fondness and, equally, pride. It was perfect, but I knew I would always be deep down, disappointed in myself if I'd robbed everyone of another moment that, for everyone else, is such a simple pleasure and delight. I decided that the memory I wanted to reflect on was one that included me saying, 'Okay, Mum.' And so, with courage, I did.