Ugly Lies

Eating disorders lie incessantly and extremely to their sufferers. I wanted to share some of the extreme, ugly lies my eating disorder tells me and analyse how each one impacts me on a day-to-day basis.

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I'm not sick enough.

The feeling that I can get sicker, and that I need to strive to get sicker, is constant. It's at the forefront of my mind. It's the only internal chatter I really experience. And that drives my actions and emotions for the day. I still find myself experiencing great difficulty when trying to counteract this belief, and so, mostly, I am left suffering throughout my day, believing this lie as an undoubted truth. Imagine the confusion of partaking in everyday life, believing yourself to not be sick enough when everybody around you is telling you that you're, in fact, 'too sick.' And what my mum challenges me with is the notion of how only a sick person would question whether they were ‘sick enough’.

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I can't die from my eating disorder.

I believe that you can die from an eating disorder, absolutely, but for some reason, I've developed the belief that that just won't happen to me. I see myself as invincible in some way, which is dangerous because I am not invincible at all. When I first became ill, I was really afraid of death. I knew and could recognise that the behaviours I was engaging in were deadly. But even so, it didn't allow me to change my actions. I wonder why and when I stopped being so concerned, but it did happen, and the fear of anorexia wore off. I ignored all of the signs that my body was shutting down, my organs were failing, and my heart was stopping. Perhaps I thought that putting it off would mean it wouldn't happen. And so I did put it off. I stowed it in a safe little corner of my brain, far out of reach, so that it couldn't be opened up. And now I live my days in avoidance, not even giving the time of day to the reality that could so very easily be awaiting me.

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I am not enough or worthy.

Despite what my family and friends tell me, the mental illness has unfortunately convinced me of this truth, a truth I can't seem to escape from, or at least that my mind won't let me challenge. It feels inescapable, suffocating me, surrounding me, and reminding me at every hour of the day of its presence in my life. Because when you have a belief like 'you are not enough or worthy,' it is a harrowing undertone to your daily life, affecting your choices, movements, and experiences. So 'I am not enough' stops becoming a thought and becomes a way of walking through life, this crazy life.

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Dolls, the lies of an eating disorder are disturbing because they aren’t subtle lies, but rather big lies that take a daily toll. This post is to share with others the debilitating nature of an eating disorder and to represent that there is no such thing as an overnight fix or cure. Dealing with, battling and combating takes significant time, energy, and patience.

Kisses,

COS x