Pourquoi?

The hardest thing for me to do is the one thing that will bring me freedom. So I need to know my 'why?' if I want to obtain the courage required for me to eat. The two categories of reason I bestow are ‘relationships’ and ‘experiences’. This post will allow you to learn of the reasons I get up every day, even on those days when I want to crawl away and succumb to the evilness of my illness.

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Relationships

My why is when I see Archie's little face popping up next to mine when he and my mum come into my room in the morning. His face symbolises to me that I'm safe and warm in my own bed sleeping next door to the people I love most in the world, in the freedom of my own little bubble of thoughts, feelings, and ideas. My why is when I get to spend time in a meaningful way, making memories like ice cream on the beach or dinner at our dining table in moments filled with love, not void of fear, but despite it. My why is when we fight, and then we play 'walking on sunshine' and everything becomes okay again. My why is when I hear fireworks and we're together, calling out the names of their colours, simply content in the exquisiteness that it is to know that now. My why is when I'm home with you, in your arms or by your side, in your space, hearing your voice, feeling fulfilled as your daughter, your friend, and I’m your number one choice in that moment, just as you are mine. My why is when you're my everything, not hospital, not other patients, not a world of rules and regulations.

Experiences

Whilst there are so many things I currently experience, I feel as though I don't get to experience them in the same way other people do. There's the stress I feel of time, and there's the way that the life before me is a life lived on an empty stomach. I desire excitement and freedom, but I feel it is tainted with the black dog that follows me in my shadow. My why is to see the world. My why is to make the memories myself and those who love me always thought that I would. My why is not to prove everybody right. I want to prove them wrong. Instead of allowing the fear that I may never have the capacity; the energy, bravery, and strength to win.

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Pourquoi is it that we do anything? In life, we do the things that mean the most to us, and I think for too long, anorexia has meant the most to me, disabling other good things from flowing into my life. My why is to be strong for the people who believe I can be, too.

Kisses & Hugs,

COS xo