TO FALL OUT OF LOVE & NOT BREAK UP.
- Luka
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
I fell out of love with anorexia, Dolls. I'll say it. It's true. Though some won't believe it because, although I've come to this decision, anorexia and I are still in a relationship. I haven't found the strength to leave anorexia because I'm scared of a life without it.
WHY & WHEN DID I FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH ANOREXIA:
It started when anorexia became something that brought me more chaos than comfort. It entailed the hospital admissions, the decisionless life, my rights stripped in the name of evident mental illness, dishonesty and endless tricks and lies. I fell out of love with anorexia because, in serving me, my family and friends were distraught, which is something that my values don't allow me to justify. During my first few hospital admissions, I spent the entire admission yearning for the freedom to fall back into my patterns and ways, which I did upon discharge. And that was the one thing that kept me going through those times where I was forced to go against everything that anorexia convinced me felt 'right' and 'good'. However, then, I had friends who used the hospital for recovery. And suddenly, everyone who I once had who was like me - anorexic - was now getting better, distancing themselves from me, the girl who remained sick... stuck. I think those were the moments I started to feel like anorexia wasn't something that I loved anymore, even if it was just becoming something I didn't like anymore. At least not in the way I once had. Instead of feeling accepted amongst my friends, I felt different to the ones I thought 'got' me and my illness the most. And that felt very isolating because I already felt estranged from my family and friends without anorexia, let alone without there being a sense of isolation from the eating disorder community.
WHY HAVEN'T I BROKEN UP WITH ANOREXIA:
Because I fear my life without it will be meaningless in many ways. The meaningless lies within a number on the scale that won't define my worth, or worse, a number that defines me as unworthy. It lies within the satisfaction I will not feel from body-checking a body that is not emaciated. It lies within the worry that will not come in waves over my pure existence. I think many people out there believe that because I haven't broken up with anorexia, it means that I still love it. But that's not the case. I don't love anorexia anymore, and I haven't in a long time, not since it began to bring me more dismay than benefits, became a rival, not a friend, and a source of fear, not safety. I haven't broken up with it because, like an abuser, anorexia lingers by my side to send my life into complete havoc whenever it deems a suitable time for it and it alone. Anorexia is the most selfish thing I've ever known. It knows no convenience, care or understanding. It is difficult to break up with someone who leads you to feel that without it, you are the epitome of nothing, absolutely nothing at all.
I want to be someone, I want to feel as though I matter and belong, and anorexia provides that for me in its many sick and twisted little ways.
Falling out of love with something that once meant everything to you in any respect means coming to terms with a weight you don’t want to bear. But falling out of love is one thing, breaking up and cutting the chain is a moon and galaxy in a universe away.
Kisses & Hugs,
Cos XO
I’d like to add a personal reflection: anorexia is not just an illness, but an addiction with deep, often invisible roots. I’ve personally felt that same fear when faced with the idea of redefining myself without anorexia. My identity had been so deeply shaped by my physical image that the thought of letting go of it terrified me. Who would I be without that? If I no longer had that defined body, what would be left of me? I think we are both at a similar point, lost in the idea of who we’re supposed to be without this burden.
We are also creatures of image. And in this era of social media, this dependence takes on an even more…