Never Trust A Promise

I hate to say it, but it could cost a life if I continue to keep my mouth shut... Never trust a promise from somebody with anorexia. One's delirium from physical starvation is catastrophically complex, easily resulting in an accumulation of lies, even if one believes them at the time to be true. Everything, when you have anorexia, is misconstrued, creating utter confusion between right and wrong and good and bad for the sufferer. Never trust a promise; it's not about calling anybody a liar. Its purpose is to create less suffering for all of those involved.

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It's very important to know that every eating disorder is inextricably different. I often feel fearful about providing advice on my blog, for this very case; What my needs have been are in fact, completely different to what others need. That's why I think it's important for me to share why, in my experience, it's been best to never trust one of my promises... So that others can make an educated guess about whether the disordered mannerisms and traits of the person they know with anorexia align with mine. When you read my experience and story, ask yourself:

Am I like who you know?

Are my behaviours similar?

Are my promises about the same things?

I began promising my parents that I was doing all the good things they asked me to do, such as having a snack when they asked, having breakfast when they asked, or eating out when I was with friends, when they asked if I'd eaten. But truthfully, I was restricting. But, truthfully, I was engaging in the behaviours at treatment facilities that I'd promised I hadn't been. But truthfully, I was calling 'I've eaten' a scarily insufficient amount. When my parents believe the things I say, as I slip away before their eyes, part of me yearns for them to show up for me in a way that anorexia doesn't know how to. Anorexia fed everybody lies, including myself. It told me I was safe, surviving, and doing the best thing for me possible. So if your suspicions are there, in my case, the accuracy of the gut feeling of all those involved was accurate 99% of the time. It's important to note that there were many times I had done the good things I'd said I'd done, for my own credit and for my own deservingness, but if I'm being transparent and displaying trustworthiness, most of my promises have been utter bullshit, to put it frankly, clearly, and rawly.

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In eating disorder recovery and education, we're taught about the 'ED self or mind' and the 'healthy self or mind', which refers to one of the many complexities of anorexia. However, this complexity refers specifically to the way the mind is impacted. What happens when one develops anorexia is that their ability to process information from the outside world becomes divided into two segments: one being healthy and natural, and one being mentally ill. As an example, the comment of 'you look healthy' made to an anorexic may be processed by the ED as 'you are fat, greedy and are not good enough', and also, rationally, the healthy mind can recognise this comment means 'you don't look like you are starving to death' or that 'you are strong to be overcoming a deadly illness'. However, a person's ability to rationalise with their healthy self when they are riddled with severe malnutrition requires a strength that to a physically and mentally weak person may be incredibly distant. It is because of the physical effects of anorexia that the healthy self needs an external party to show up for them, because the ED self or mind will not and cannot. This is not always for a lack of effort, but a reality of physical decay & mental defeat. I know how hard I try to beat anorexia day in and day out, and still, it is not without the devotion of my family to combat the critical voice that lives incessantly in my mind, which can be the only way I manage to eat.

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Anorexia is deceitful; however, anorexia's deceit is an isolated component of a person. Nobody is entirely their illness... that person that you love doesn't only still exist, but they want to exist in the way you've known them to exist all along. There is a distinction between the lies anorexia tells and the lies a person tells. And if the person you know is not a liar, they deserve to be trusted with things outside of anorexia. I beg you to trust this person otherwise, because I promise you (yes, I, Luka the untrustworthy anorexic, can still make a promise) that that person you've trusted all along doesn't deserve to be labelled as a liar. A liar is not what your person is... sick, with a powerful illness, is what your person is.

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Writing 'Never Trust A Promise' has been emotional for me because I never had someone to speak up for me. Anorexia would never allow me to tell my friends, family, and professionals not to trust it; in fact, it would get excited when it had gotten away with yet another thing. But with every one of those moments, another shovel of soil was taken to dig out my grave. Anorexia is no joke. Its lies are no joke. Stay safe, my sweet Dolls.

Kisses and hugs,

COS xo