A FLAWED SYSTEM

There are many excellent systems in the world, Dolls, such as those that contribute to environmental, political and social progress; however, eating disorder treatment is not one of them. The public and private systems are damaged at their core with the systemic flaws in their messaging, 'solutions', attitudes, medical parameters and available resources. This post doesn't just explore what is flawed with these systems, but the devastation that the effects of their faults impose upon sufferers and their families. I want to note that whilst I explore the flaws of both systems, I am grateful for the many times that these systems have saved my life, point blank.

There is, of course, a right and a wrong way to do everything, but it is always right to keep a person alive, even so and especially if or when they do not want to make that decision for themselves.

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Public System

Trapped, afraid, choiceless, powerless, unheard, isolated... Just a few of the terms I'd use to describe my experience in the public system. Your voice is the last one that matters when it should be the first one that matters, especially when dealing with trauma and mental health. Despite available resources, counsellors and patient advocates, it is nearly impossible to appeal against your treatment. I believe them to be a band-aid solution to a bleeding cause. For reference, I, one time, had my own family of sound mental health strongly advocate against my remote transfer, and despite what was in my best interest in the opinion of those who truly know and love me, I was transferred to a hospital that was a four-hour drive away, meaning that for the majority of my stay, I was completely isolated, desperate, depressed, traumatised and homesick... That was for three months.

My family has put their faith in the public system so many times, only to have their hearts absolutely shattered every time their promises of what would happen were not followed through by me. Their systems were primarily designed to help within the hospital walls, and the recommended outside treatment was tailored for those who wanted to recover and not for people with severe and enduring cases (SEED) who were going to decline, reduce, and refuse. For SEED cases, they merely label the patients as 'treatment resistant or 'untreatable', which only leaves families and patients to feel as though not only the system has failed them, but that they have failed the system. And that is heartbreaking when you feel as though you were prepared to give treatment all you had, on both the patients and the families ' behalf. The families, much like the sufferers, end up feeling a strong sense of distress as they see the extreme distress their loved one is undergoing. They too are unable to have any input into the available treatment, often having their pleaded cases of what they believe will be the least traumatising course of treatment, rejected. I can recall countless admissions in which my mother and father have intervened out of fear that the system was not only hindering my progress but scarring my strength, independence, and at times, rights, though their voices have been completely overridden all in the name of 'The Mental Health Act'. I think that as a parent, there has also been an overwhelming sense of relief to have your child in a situation where you can guarantee that they will be kept alive, when you have feared losing them so badly. So, it must also be incredibly confusing when, in the one place you thought would heal everything, you see and hear that they are hurting. I believe this particular conundrum contributed to the overwhelming reality of anorexia, and that is that you are living in a constant nightmare.

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Private System

In the private system, you have more choices. However, I fear that at times, not having certain choices taken away from me kept me at an unstable BMI and fed, or even slightly encouraged, the sustaining and manifestation of my illness. My ability to 'refuse' meals was something to my detriment, as nobody was able to force me to eat, only encourage me. Additionally, this meant that you were able to become triggered by other patients more frequently as guidelines were strictly unadhered to, rather than adhered to. There were many times in the private system that I came out worse than when I came in, having learnt 'new tricks' to restrict, whilst keeping all professionals under the impression that I had been compliant with the system. Many times, my parents have been shocked upon my return home, thinking I came out much sicker physically and mentally than when I had gone in.

The private system scared the shit out of my family. I will never forget the look on their faces when I walked in for my first private hospital admission. There were looks of shock, terror, disbelief and fear, walking into a room of people with the most severe, the most specialised, and the most enduring cases of anorexia nerovasa, not only that they had ever seen but that they ever knew was possible. They couldn't believe that some of these patients were alive. These girls were the pictures of their worst nightmares, and after just one admission, surrounded by the sickest, my eating disorder voice went absolutely A-wall, and I, too, soon became the girl they were most afraid of me becoming, in the likes of my BMI, weight, recovery, and mental health. They all plummeted. I immediately grew competitive in these sorts of environments, as the nature of my particular case of anorexia thrives on comparison. The private system allowed me to copy behaviours I had never thought of, my OCD rituals and tendencies becoming exacerbated, effective immediately, which severely affected my ability to be a capable person of sound mind in everyday life. There were now certain foods I couldn’t touch, meals had to be prepared on crockery and dinnerware that had been washed an insane amount of times so as to ensure no contamination with other food had been present, and I couldn’t eat in front of certain people. Debilitating is the only term I can think to use that truly sums up the effect OCD, intertwined with anorexia, has had on my life.

I believe that my eating disorder would not have developed to the SEED category if it were not for my admissions in the private system, and that is the cold, hard truth and reality.

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This is the story shared by millions of other young girls and boys who have had their childhood stolen by their eating disorders and their adulthood robbed of a promising future. There is recovery from anorexia, but whether or not there is full recovery from the devastation of either the public or private systems, I do not know.

Kisses,

COS x