My Dark Little World

I was recently asked about what I consider to be the difference between a 'bad dream' and a 'nightmare' after recalling one of my nightmares to somebody. I feel I responded inadequately to their question, for there is a profound difference between my bad dreams and my nightmares. I was unable to express just how much, for I don't quite have the words for how distinctly crippling and tormenting they truly are. Or at least I didn't. But I've thought harder and longer now. This is the scoop of my dark little world that finds its way so potently, so torturously into my nighttime.

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It’s not just a bad dream when the sun leaves the sky and everything becomes pitch black, and I can't find you. It’s not just a bad dream when the grass turns to mud and my feet are left to squelch in its unsupportive mulch as shivers and shudders are sent down my spine. It’s not just a bad dream when the light leaves the stars and I'm left to look into an unmagical, bleak, lost, and lonesome sky. It’s not just a bad dream when I hear you calling my name, but it sounds as though you’re mocking it like my very existence is a joke to you. It’s not just a bad dream when I hear the lyrics of an exquisite song, but the words are all jumbled like a purposely broken poem made just to confuse and hurt and injure the poetic existence that lies within its words. It’s not just a bad dream when our love story falls apart; the two most in love people learning to hate each other in a way they didn't know they could hate. It’s not just a bad dream when Christmas doesn’t come. It’s not just a bad dream when I’m afraid to speak to you because I’m running out of time to say everything I want to tell you. It's not just a bad dream when we don't have anything to say when we could once talk the hours away into the morning light. It’s not just a bad dream when I want to say ‘I love you’, but the words can’t come out. It’s not just a bad dream when we try to kiss, but there’s worlds between our lips. It's not just a bad dream when I want to hold you tight, but there are no arms to hug you and embrace you and express to you how in these moments you’re everything to me and more. It’s not just a bad dream when the only words I have to speak are words I cannot write on this page. It’s not just a bad dream when you leave me again, the way you once left me before, having to account for the heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching, unequivocal sadness that it is to know what being given up on is like. It is not just a bad dream when everything left unsaid is suddenly said all at once- too quickly, too much, all at once, and too cruelly... not how I wanted it to be said, not even a little bit, not even a little bit at all. It’s not just a bad dream when the dawn never dawns and the dusk never dusks, the world becoming entirely black, sight completely gone, warmth forever sought, and feelings never felt. It’s not just a bad dream when you lose all your vision, never being able to see the faces of the people and pets you love. It’s not just a bad dream when everybody’s whispering your name behind the palms of their hands; bickering, gossiping, and berating. It’s not just a bad dream when in this world you’re a spec of dust - worthless, unknown, and unimportant. It’s not just a bad dream when your heart is ripped from your chest and you can’t feel anything - when you burn your hand just to feel something. It’s not just a bad dream when there’s a never-ending war where peacefulness is entirely unapparent. It’s not just a bad dream when everything means nothing at all.

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Though I wrote this post for somebody else. I also wrote it for myself to realise and recognise that the darkness in my mind doesn’t have a quick fix. The changing of the severity of the word would be unacceptable for a severe series of night-after-night relentlessness. My dark little world isn’t light. In my dark little world, all I can see is hopelessness, with no way out. It is only in my waking hours that I can seek the light I’ve lost.

Kisses,

COS x