Loving Hospital
- Luka
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Dolls, a hospital for someone with anorexia, is the hardest place to be. You're forced to do the one thing that scares you most in the world. And on the days when you hate being in the hospital, I want you to use this post to find the love missing in your life.
Communication is everything when you're in the hospital. In a time when you feel deeply lost, afraid and unsure about your direction, familiarity will be your friend, your best friend. Literally, call your best friend, text them, email them. I am sure they not only want to hear from you but also want to be there for you. You just have to let them. Eating disorders can rob you of feeling purpose, replacing the motivation of finding one with the motivation to exist solely for your eating disorder. So if your one goal for the day is to find purpose in messaging your friends, you can find beauty in that because you are beginning to flourish into a person, a friend, beyond your eating disorder. Making a decision every day to connect to the special people in your life will make things in there easier for you, I know it will, I know it from experience. I’ve gone through admissions when I haven’t prioritised it, and it felt harder. The weight of loneliness, coupled with an absence of direction, drove me to want to end my own life. And, Dolls, I share that with you because the hospital doesn’t have to be that way, it doesn’t have to be so melancholic.
One of my girlfriends from treatment told me that she was making her plate of food into something silly to send to her mum, and ever since, I've started making my food into funny shapes when I'm in treatment, too. I did this because it makes light out of an intense situation, and it truly helps me overcome the moments when I'm struggling, feel alone or a little lost. It's hard to be scared of the plate in front of you when it looks like a penis, Dolls. I spend so much of my life with a worrisome look on my face; the world scares me, and I am not free. So to sit down at a table and smile to myself when everything around me feels overwhelming is something that I find, actually, to be quite a beautiful thing. I really recommend this trick, Dolls, it might surprise you.
Every hospital admission is going to differ from the last in respect to the cohort of other patients. I've had every experience, from good to bad, and this is my advice based on everything I've been through. The worst hospital experience I ever had was two years ago; I was severely bullied for weeks and resorted to self-harming because I genuinely felt like the world hated me. It was one of the loneliest things I've ever encountered. In a place where I was trying to receive help, I was being turned away from it by my 'peers'. I learnt that making friends is a waste of time in the eating disorder world due to the competitiveness and what seems to be an endless opportunity to face extreme triggers. I am kind to everyone, except now, it is on a superficial level. Don't go out of your way to write a card or give a gift. My advice is to put that effort into yourself and your recovery because that is what will allow you to achieve your goals in treatment, instead of potentially setting you back. Nonetheless, I don't want to dissuade you from having very surface-level friendships; in fact, I encourage it because having a friendly face, someone to laugh or have a smile with, can really make a difference during the times you can't see a way out.
Dolls, you probably don't know this, but my blog means everything to me. In fact, this blog has become my daily purpose, something that makes me feel like I am truly contributing to the world. I just want to help others feel less alone and also guide families through helping their loved ones. And this purpose is something I owe to all of you, having allowed and accepted my thoughts for so many years. Through some of the hardest hospital admissions I've endured, I've committed to my Wednesday and Saturday weekly posts; the one thing I felt I could provide the world with and control in my life. Whilst I've had this to keep me going, I think creativity and expression are a wonderful way to find love within the realms of the hospital walls. You could take up any form of creativity, Dolls, you can even start your own blog if you want to. :)
Obviously, loving the hospital is a stretch under any means. It’s hard to love a place that smells the way it does and looks the way it does. But if you choose to make the most of it, I think that it is possible to experience moments of adoration in a difficult time.
Kisses,
COS x
