You Need To Decide Who You Love More.
- Luka
- 3 minutes ago
- 3 min read
Because I know a lot of people (although they hate themselves for it) love their eating disorder.
For the first time in two years, I’m travelling overseas. Finally, I’m at a level of health where I can walk from terminal to terminal and at a level of freedom that I can indulge in multiple forms of spontaneity, a critical element of travelling. Travel is essential to everything I wish to achieve and do in my life, so lacking that ability is not an option for me unless I wish to give up all my dreams and goals. I needed to decide that I loved being in control of having the capacity to travel more than I loved controlling my food. That one? That was a simple one for me. Because travel isn’t just about travel; travel is about exploring the world on foot, about laughing with your mum in Paris until your cheeks hurt, and about trying national delicacies because, for everyone, that’s not just normal but exciting. Travel is about chasing everything. Anorexia is about chasing nothing.
When you have anorexia, you're faced with hundreds of little moments in a day in which the disorder says you're successful. And the more you restrict, the easier it becomes to be deceitful, to limit, and to endure. When I’m engaging with anorexia, I’m constantly reaping the feeling of success, and that is a major factor in pursuing it. Everyone likes to feel successful. Success feels good. But when you chase anorexia as much as I have, you’ll quickly learn through malnourishment and rigid thought, emotional, and behavioural patterns, that there is no room for achieving other forms of success. A degree? An amazing daughter? An A-plus student? Forget it. In fact, throughout my eating disorder, I was so starved and controlled that I barely had any other room to imagine a successful life without it. I felt that anorexia was the only thing I would and could ever be good at. It wasn’t until my grandparents said that they thought a new presenter was the perfect job for me that I got butterflies in my stomach. I couldn’t stop thinking about doing that job for weeks. And I realised that this was the first thing in about 5 years that I felt as intrigued by something as I did anorexia. And suddenly, it changed from equally intrigued to more. I’m now studying a diploma of journalism. Whilst anorexia gives me hundreds of moments of success in a day, every word I write when I’m studying, to me, is a sign of success; that I chose a future for my life that left the world’s deadliest mental illness behind.
There are many things I love more than I love being thin, a hard pill for anorexia to swallow.
I love being able to help my mum, to make memories with her that involve capability, energy and movement. I love it because she tries to hide it when it makes her smile. She doesn't want to trigger me by saying 'I'm so glad you aren't dying anymore'. And so she keeps it to herself, gracefully, patiently, and kindly. And it means the most to me because there are times when those words might affect me. She is so careful about being the mother of a daughter who's recovering from anorexia; she takes it seriously and dutifully. I love the moments I see her hide her smile, more than I love being thin.
I love being able to hear 'health' and not cry. I love that I see health as a positive and encouraging statement as opposed to one built on a foundation of judgement and failure. I love that when a parent is simply admiring their beautiful child, I am now warmed and proud rather than triggered and derailed.
I love being enough as me, rather than enough as anorexic.
I love LIFE more than I love being thin. I love that I notice things like how happy I feel more often than I notice that it's time to suppress my hunger. I love that I feel excitement about my ability to travel more than I feel excitement about the number on the scales being lower than the last. I love that I feel normal more than I feel abnormal, an outcast, the girl who took thin too far.
I love many things more than I love being thin, and that's important to remember at all times, especially in the times when you want to quit.
You need to decide who you love more because it’s the only way out. You must have tangible evidence in your head and heart to keep going because otherwise you won’t. You will stop going. And you will die, or you will live an incredibly torturous existence.
Kisses,
COS x
