When I Fell Out Of Love With You
My grandma and I are creating a book together to have a record of my life unfolding over the next few years as I try to discover a life for myself outside of the life I've known for so long, the one with anorexia. She asked me to include in this book a letter to anorexia, to reflect my decision to officially say goodbye. I thought it was beautiful. So, this is the story of when I fell out of love with anorexia.
I didn't fall out of love with it the day I was told it would take my life, or the next time I was told that, or the next.
I didn't fall out of love with it the day my mum broke down and told me this was ruining her. I didn't fall out of love with it the day my grandpa said, 'I'll kill you if you die before me '.
I didn't fall out of love with it the day my friend wrote me a letter saying goodbye to me because she knew I was going to die. There were so many moments where I should've fallen out of love with anorexia, but my starved brain kept me attached to something even when my breaking heart wanted to give it up, to put it to rest, and to be free. Because I'd been sick for so long, I believed I felt my best and safest when I was restricting, scheming and starving. I can now see that that was not true.
I'd forgotten how full life felt on a full stomach.
I'd forgotten how beautiful love felt when everybody wasn't afraid to touch you, to look at you, or to speak to you. And I really had forgotten that. My mind was so consumed by the memory of anorexia that it had deteriorated the strength of the memories I had made before that; pulling my grandpa behind me in a mini yellow boat, playing with my mum's hair, and wanting to stay up all night because I was so excited by life that I didn't want to sleep. Life was so. good. So, unlike the title implies, I don't think there was a definitive moment as such that I fell out of love with it; I think it was an accumulation of YEARS of depriving the people I adored of, well, me.
I fell out of love with anorexia when I remembered.
When I fell out of love with it, I found butterflies in my stomach, the blue sky, the sound of laughter, the smiles on children's faces, connection and, truthfully, everything that this beautiful world has to offer when you're a part of it.
I fell out of love with anorexia, and if I ever fall in love with it again, I believe that will not just be the day I die, but the day it kills everyone around me, because now, they have seen what I am like when I'm a part of their world.
Kisses,
COS x
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