I'VE NEVER THOUGHT I WAS WORTH VERY MUCH.
It's about understanding that some people will never know what it feels like to love themself so to be kind always. <3 Some people are born confident. Some people are always the popular one. But there are some people, like me, who aren't born with that.
When I was four years old, was the first time I thought that I didn't want to be alive anymore. When I was four years old, was the first time I realised I didn't like the way I looked; I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, and I wasn't easy enough to love. When I was four years old, was the first time I realised that I found it hard to be alive. Mind you, I was always told how kind I was; I had a mother, father, and family who told me how loved I was incessantly, people constantly told me I was beautiful, funny, and smart. But it didn't sink in with the darkness and sadness that stuck to the surface. My insecurities pooled and circulated within me, making it difficult to make friends at school because I genuinely felt that nobody could possibly want to be friends with me. I didn't think I was cool enough, or talented enough, or likeable enough. Truth be told, I hated everything about myself.
I don't remember a time in my entire childhood where I saw a photo of myself and thought I looked beautiful.
And it only became worse over the years. My insecurities were exacerbated by social media. I forced myself to hate myself more because I thought fitting into a box might make me feel better. But it didn't. It only showed me that no matter how I looked, I didn't have the confidence or self-love to like myself for the way I was. For me, changing the way I looked was much larger than a physical issue; it was a deep-rooted emotional issue. And the praise and encouragement made me feel like looking a certain way was my only purpose in life; my way to be accepted. So I chased it. I chased it until my lips bled, my muscles ached, and my stomach starved. Because I thought in this way, I was more liked, I was more noticed, and I was more worthy of nourishment, love, and help. I disrespected and hated myself because if just for a moment, I got to feel like I was worth something, then I would finally know what that feeling felt like. That's how little I felt I was worth; I didn't care about enjoyment, or pleasure, or living.
I didn't share that to make you sad, or to make you concerned. I wrote that because when you tell a person who feels this way that they aren't pretty, funny, smart, popular, cool, talented, liked, when you call them a name, when you comment on their body, or what they eat, or what they wear, it might be the very reason they were looking for; that how they feel in their head is the way everybody feels about them, too. I wrote this because in my life, somebody telling me that they loved me, that I was enough, or that I meant something to them was instead, the reason I was looking for; that how I felt was just in my head. I wrote this because you have the choice to be the reason somebody eats instead of skipping a meal. I wrote this because kindness is always an option. And there are people out there like me who suffer with these feeling for their entire lives and who can't always flip a switch in the way others can. Words can be profound.
Despite feeling this way for my life and going through many severe things that some will never know about, I choose to get up everyday accepting that I will undoubtedly not like myself or respect myself for most of the day. I have learnt that about myself. However, leading a life where hating yourself is 90% of your day instead of 10% will lead not just you to misery, but those who do genuinely love you to misery as well. I chose to allow it to occupy 10% so that i can chase the company and pleasure of being around the ones I utterly adore instead of being a prisoner to my own mind. Whilst I do not love myself, I do things every day that make me find the abundance of love that can be found in the world. Choosing to show the people who I love that I love them brings me a sense of love as well. There is so much love to be found, even when you cannot always find it within yourself.
Love,
Luka x
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