Someone Asked Me The Difference Between Recovering And Recovered...

2 hours ago

3 min read

Many people believe that to recover, things must be perfect all the time. That isn't the case. Sometimes, I still get scared. And sometimes, I still say ‘no’ when I want to say ‘yes’. But there is a distinct difference, and this post is for anyone who wants to know when they've crossed that line.

Recovering is when you're leaving an eating disorder, when you recognise that it's an immensely awful coping mechanism, and you want to try not using it. Recovering is when you have the hope of the future, the world beneath your feet, and the taste of freedom on your tongue. Recovering is when you start to feel your family's fear slip away, but your fear of being healthier, braver, and stronger still fills you with some, or even a lot, of fear and dread. When you're recovering, you will still want to not eat a lot of the time. It may feel really hard, and it may bring you a lot of tears. In this stage, you will miss your eating disorder; the safety you felt it brought, the weight you once were that made you feel pretty, and the control starvation brought. Recovering is a bridge between an eating disorder and being recovered. But it isn't a necessary one. Full recovery, immediately, is certainly possible. But for me, it wasn't. My eating disorder was so severe that many of my thought patterns were cemented. I needed the recovering stage to figure out that every time I slipped, I became unhappy again, and I saw the fear fall back into my mother's eyes, her home, and her heart. And every time I saw that happen, even for a moment, I retrained my brain's neural pathways. I did this over and over again until I regained the capacity to understand its detriment in my life. Recovering may be less complete than recovered, but it is nowhere near less than. In fact, in many ways, this stage is harder than an eating disorder, and it takes the most strength for your brain has not yet been rewired, and you are actively going against a grain that you've gone along with for a long time. It will feel incredibly hard and lonely at times, but at other times, it will feel beautiful; you will slowly see the sun reappear in your life, the buildings you've burned rebuild themselves, and the personality you lost reemerge. But in this stage, there may be a heavy sense of pain still. When you are recovered, that will be nearly all gone.

Being recovered is when the thoughts are there, but you know you can decide whether or not you act on them. It's when you come out on top and feel in your bones that you have the strength to overcome any thought or feeling EVEN when it feels all-encompassing. The other night I was at my boyfriend's house... I was having a hard night and didn't really feel like pushing myself, so I said I would eat later. And when he went down to eat his dinner, he came out with two plates, one for him and one for me. A long time ago, I would've felt really overwhelmed because it was spontaneous, but I didn't feel any fear at all; I simply felt absolutely adored and cared for. I just thought he was the sweetest human. His way of showing his love was making sure I ate and cooking for me, and my way of showing mine was eating something he'd made for both of us. Being recovered isn't about hard or easy; it's about WANT. And I wanted nothing more than to eat with my perfect boyfriend. Maybe a long time ago, I would've convinced myself that I wanted my eating disorder, but when you're recovered, you won't want it, not a little bit, not at all. Your eating disorder won't be about easy or hard anymore; it will be about right or wrong. And in every scenario you see, choosing the ED will feel inherently wrong. When you're recovered, you'll be so excited to be awake that you won't care about sleep anymore. You'll have energy, a spark, and a light. And the term 'healthy’ will stop feeling like a curse word, and instead you'll associate it with the beauty and strength found in reclaiming a life you'd completely lost.