I Love You - What I Want You To Know

On behalf of everyone who's ever had an eating disorder, this post is so that I can say the hard stuff you're scared to say to the people you love. Dolls, I believe this is a very important post, and I feel hesitant about two things in writing it. The first thing is that I fear overloading people with information, and that is not something I want to do because I don’t want people to feel as though there are 1 million things that there are to know. I fear that puts perfectionism and a sense of dependence on loved ones when, ultimately, the true goal of a person with an eating disorder is that they can reach a sense of resiliency so that they are not constantly forced to overcome triggers. There is a second thing; in my experience, carers want to do everything that they can to help ease the suffering, the immense suffering, and if I write too many things that they can do to eleviate it, I fear that they will place an uncecessary amount of stress and burden unto themselves which is just as unfair as it is to bear the burden of an eating disorder.

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Like the line from My Favourite movie ‘Love Actually’: ‘Worse than the total agony of being in love?’

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Love, Dolls, in its own right, bears with it an agony. But abusive love is something of a completely different nature. In fact, abusive love, in my opinion, is not a love at all. Abusive love feels wrong when I believe that love should feel right, even in the bad moments. Love may hurt, and it may be hard, but it should always feel right. In society, abnormal eating has become incredibly normalised. Dieting is all around us, and that messaging infiltrated into everybody’s lives from ridiculously young ages is nobody‘s fault but the advertisers themselves. It is not surprising that many people say abnormal things surrounding food; it’s not surprising that this mindset exists. So when you learn of your loved one being ill with an eating disorder, encouraging or accepting behaviours as ‘right’ is wrong. Because that infiltrates the idea into your loved one’s mind that their abusive love is somehow acceptable.

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I want you to know how much your words and opinions are valuable. Most of the time, if you express your fear, concerns, and desires for us sufferers to eat, we will listen to you because, in my experience, beneath the arguing and distress, exists a love for you that will always be greater than the eating disorder, even if it is heavily buried beneath the arguments, avoidance, and fear. That is not to say that ‘yes’ will always be the response, but it hurts when a sufferer knows that they found an opportunity to express strength, and were denied the opportunity, such as knowing you would’ve said ‘yes’ to a snack or meal, if offered.

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Recognition of efforts has been an instrumental part of my recovery. I spent one hospital admission where they told our families and the nurses to never congratulate us for eating in an attempt to normalise nutrition. But to that, I always wondered, ‘Why are you attempting to normalise a situation that is so far from normal?’; Eating disorders go against the fundamental grain of human evolution, so to not encourage and aid a person towards that seems ludicrous, especially if they ask for it or believe themselves that this will reinforce the idea that eating is something important, necessary, and good. My parents tried adhering to their advice with me when I returned home, and it was a complete disaster; I didn’t eat for a week, and then left home because I felt unsupported. Since returning back home from moving out, they support me through words of affirmation every single meal. It isn’t dependent on the portion or size. And this is because they know that regardless, I am trying for them and in even stronger moments, for myself and the future I desire for myself. This recognition is instrumental for me, and I know with certainty that I would give up without it. I want to share a moment in which recognition pushed me towards recovery:

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One of the nurses on this ward, I write of, where they neglected encouragement, despite her training, she, this one time, told me how proud she was of opting to have food over a supplement, which was the first time I’d done that in weeks. It made me want to continue to opt for the food because her recognition made me feel that eating was not only good, but seen, supported, validated, and applauded. I continued to work towards recovery specifically because of that one comment; because I understood that what she did was something that she wasn’t supposed to do, and did it despite that because she felt it was right. She was brave, and it allowed me to be brave. I will never forget her. I will never forget those words when I hadn’t been encouraged for months. That lack of encouragement made me feel alone. It made me feel like there was no point in trying. It made me miss my mum. It made me miss my dad.

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I think conversation is an instrumental aspect of recovery from an eating disorder. And I also think that conversation can be incredibly daunting, even with the ones we know and love, because sometimes, there is fear that there will be a lack of understanding, a failed landing, and a misinterpreted intent. This is the very reason that I started my blog: to be here for you, Dolls, in the times that you cannot be there for yourself. So without further ado, it is my hope that this blog will be shared by every sufferer, to a person they fear to converse with, because as daunting as it may be, it is also daunting to live a life where you live alone, in silence, and in more suffering than you already live with.

All my dearest love,

COS x