The Beautiful Reason.

This is the beautiful reason I have managed bravery, courage, and strength recently: Family. My mum and dad do their best not to comment on my body to remind me that I am so much more than my illness and that they love me for the parts of myself that you can't see physically, like kindness and compassion. But sometimes their sheer terror overpowers this desire. I was with my dad the other afternoon watching a movie, and he was so afraid of the thinness of my legs that he felt the need to tell me out of concern, love and fear. He asked me if I would eat something for him, and I said no two times, until I found something within me, this reason, this beautiful reason that meant doing a 'yes' for him out of love for him and not out of love for anorexia was more important to me in that moment than anything. He never puts me in a situation where I feel pressured, so I know that when I feel pressure, there must be room for a concrete cause, even if my illness doesn't allow me to see that cause. During the time I've had my blog and my illness, my eating disorder has evolved so greatly, and so diversely, and one of the things I've come to realise in this time is that I do not have love for anorexia anymore, not at all. I feel less attached to it as I have come to see it for what it is: evil and destructive to me, and the people I profoundly care about. I feel less attached to it as I, with evidence, have seen that its rules bear none of the expected outcome that it promises that following its rules will allow for. I feel less attached to it as I see the happiness, delight and light that it robs me of, a light I wish to exude to the world around me. I wanted to ease his suffering much more than I wanted to please anorexia. His honesty allowed me to find strength, and that is the beautiful reason I want to share with you.

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I'd do anything for them. When they tell me they're worried, I listen, and I choose to see the darkness I cannot see. They know how hard it is for me, and so they don't put me in the situation where I have to do anything I don't want to do, especially after the years of traumatising forced approaches I've experienced. So I know that when they put me in the situation where they ask me to eat when I don't want to, it's because I'm seeing things through a different lens than they; a common symptom of anorexia nervosa: body dysmorphia. I know that anything they do for me is done through love, and so I choose to put my faith into them and their perspective, which is one that I deeply respect after the years of learning, real-world experience, and education they've undergone. They haven’t just undergone, but have delved into all types of research to do anything, anything they can at all to overcome this deadly disorder altogether. We have come so far, and I am so proud of us all.

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As hope, possibility, and relief are felt, it changes everybody's ability to have the freedom to breathe, to finally, truly breathe. To see and hear the sweet, excitable, joyous dances and squeals of delight as I eat is worth everything to me. It's worth my struggle, it's worth my guilt, and it's worth my conflictedness. It's worth it because although my eating disorder is strong, my love for my family is stronger. It hasn't always been stronger, which makes me ashamed to admit, and I have allowed triggers to overpower endless loving intention because anorexia convinced me that intentions were otherwise. So it feels beautiful to develop a closeness with my family in which they feel they can confide in me with all of their concerns and trepidations, in which I, the receiver, can hold their confidence with loving, open, and willing arms. It feels beyond beautiful; in fact, it feels absolutely glorious.

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Family has always been a very complex structure for me. Growing up, I was raised by a single mother, and then I developed relationships with all of my stepdad’s family, and I have had many existing relationships tainted by the unfolding of my mental health issues. So for the family I do have, they mean everything to me because I know how lonely and devastating it is to feel distant from members of the family. They truly do mean to me, everything and more.

Kisses,

COS x