I Don't Love Myself
- Luka
- 22 hours ago
- 2 min read
Society is always encouraging us to love ourselves, but that's so much easier said than done in the type of society that also has unrealistic beauty standards and toxic social media and advertising. I want to be honest with you about what it's like not to love yourself, because I constantly compare myself to people who do love themselves and feel like I'm so far behind them in life. This isn't just for others not to feel alone, but also for those who do love themselves to understand how people like me experience the world around them.
I starve myself because I don't love myself enough to feel worthy of nourishment.
The only way I'm able to achieve the feeling of self-love is when, through restriction, I love parts of my body or receive the news from others that they love parts of my body. So I resort to anorexia time and time again because it's the one thing that makes me feel like I'm worthy of being loved, even if the thing that's loving me (anorexia) is also really, really hurting me. Naturally, I weigh up the pros and cons and decide most of the time that the rain is worth the flower that comes out the other side. Anorexia convinces me that I am a flower, but I can only become that flower when I hate myself into becoming one.
Quiet - is how I am. Softly spoken - is how I am. A pushover - is how I am. I find fear in being perceived by others the way my mind perceives the person standing in front of the mirror. So I remain unnoticeable, wasting away, occupying the least amount of space, taking up the least possibility for error, and remaining faultless, though ordinary. In the way I don't love myself, I inherently believe others cannot love me either. For how could they? How could they love somebody as broken, smashed, battered and bruised as I? How could they love a girl who has wasted a life? How could they love somebody so exceptionally flawed? How could they love somebody tormented by herself?
SO, yes, I try to become unnoticeable because I don't think there's anything worth seeing.
I think it's important to know that just because one doesn't love themselves, it doesn't mean that they aren't capable of craving, desiring and wanting love. In fact, I think it becomes a yearning; something that gets chased more predominantly than other aspects of one's life because there's such a lack of it.
Kisses,
COS x
