Do It For Love

Anorexia does NOT have your best interest at heart. My mum always says, 'Do not value the opinion of a person whose advice you would not seek.' Instead, value the opinions of those you love, who want to see you live and thrive. I understand, better than anyone, that when you have anorexia, you can be entirely aware of its horrible and cruel opinions, you can utterly despise and hate anorexia, and still listen to its advice and adhere to its rules. That's what happens with abusers; you can hate them and still want them. So for all of the moments that you can't fight for yourself, fight because your life matters to somebody out there who truly cares about you, in the way that anorexia never, ever, will.

---

'Do you hate me?' The four-word question I will never forget my mother asking me, beside herself, begging me to eat the pathetic meal in front of me because it was something, and that meant everything to her. I will never forgive myself for the torment I've caused my mother, as she's stood by and watched her only daughter starve herself to the brink of death. 'Do you hate me?' She begged to know of her 21-year-old daughter, the girl she'd raised all by herself, the girl she'd put everything on the line for and the one whom she'd loved unconditionally with everything she had in her. She asked that of the girl who'd become one of the sickest cases of anorexia in the state. And in that moment, I had to look deep within myself and wonder how I could let a so-called love for something make the woman I do love most in this entire world believe for even a second that I short of anything adored her. I had to ask because, although it was clear to me how much I loved her, it had become unclear to her, and I recognised that that was a profound problem. I do it for love. I changed when my mum asked me that question, a question I was ashamed that she could even ask, that for even a second, a woman as beautiful as her could have the inkling that her daughter hated her. I became a lot more lenient with the hold anorexia had over me. I chose flexibility. I chose to give up my eating disorder at times to do something that would truly show my mum how much I cared. I had to. I couldn't live a life in which my mother didn't think I showed her I loved her. For that was not a life I'd be proud to live. Anorexia was taking that from not just me, but both of us, every second of every day.

I do it for love. I do it for her. I do it for my mummy.

---

Do it for you. You need to value your life more than you value fitting into a box because you would never do this to the child within yourself. You know deep down, within your soul, that this isn't a life you want for yourself. You know it makes you suffer as you become cold and alone. As you watch yourself die before your very eyes, you'll remain scared and in misery; you will never get out of the loop you have playing on repeat unless you change properly, drastically, and entirely. It will be worth it because you are the biggest, bestest project you will ever work on.

Don't live, dying. Die, living.

---

Do it because if the roles were reversed, you would be in agony watching the people you love starve themselves to demise and torturing themselves with words of self-hatred. You couldn't bear it, and you know it. Every time you engage with the eating disorder, begin to ask yourself, would you ask a person you love to restrict, or would you tell a person you love that they didn't deserve to eat? I know the answer is no. But you have to reiterate this every time you are battling. Love yourself because it’s a basic rule of thumb that people don't treat themselves the way you are treating yourself. The agony you inflict upon yourself is entirely unkind and unjust.

Just like that saying, treat others the way you want to be treated, treat yourself the way you would want others to be treated.

---

Do it all for love; move mountains with the strength you didn’t know you had, look beyond your selfish walls of image, and be brave beyond what you knew you could be. It is all worth it when you are doing anything for love... I promise you.

Kisses,

COS x