Severe & Enduring

You thought 'anorexia' was the worst title you could get. ‘Severe and enduring anorexia’ became the four-word sentence that broke my family's and my hearts... the notion that my chances of making a recovery were significantly diminished. This is everything about severe and enduring plus more.

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The difference between severe and enduring anorexia and anorexia is its degree of hopefulness, in my opinion. Some people have anorexia, and then some people have such a horrific case that the doctors don’t expect available treatment to result in a full recovery from the illness. Some people are riddled with anorexia, intertwined with its roots, and cannot ever or very rarely overcome it moment by moment. What it feels like for me is that I see no light, I see myself permanently incapable of overcoming its thoughts and a prisoner to being obedient to its every single command, imprinted with it for life, day in day out, every second of every day, and smashed tidal wave after tidal wave. To be diagnosed with severe and enduring anorexia is to have a form of anorexia that is expected to last indefinitely.

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What does it feel like to receive this diagnosis is to ask what it feels like to fall down the rabbit hole. It's lonely to see all these beautiful people loving and supporting you towards good health, and yet your sole purpose remains... driving yourself lower and less than all that they believe you can be. It will become embarrassing to know just how greatly you disrespect yourself, completely disregarding life itself and certainly your quality of it. Shame will become interlaced in all that you do. You'll have seen friends grow up, change, recover, and achieve great things, awards, and degrees, whilst you've remained in the same cycle time after time, kilo after kilo, meal after meal. However, a part of me felt safe in receiving this diagnosis. I was able to succumb to the truth that I’d known all along, that I have always been so much more unwell mentally and physically than all of the sick people I’d met along the way. Somehow, I always knew my case was different, even in the good moments, and especially in the bad.

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To manage recovery with this diagnosis is to manage a boat in the thick of a storm. Firstly, I take each day as it comes. I used to be so strict with so many eating disorder rules, and now, I allow glimpses of what I consider aspects of recovery into my day because I know that it's too hard to manage this notion of 'full recovery' when I'm nowhere near that. I allow spontaneity to exist, and that's my biggest secret to receiving any sort of freedom. Secondly, I relinquish myself of as many expectations as I can, surrendering to the fact that I know I have a severe eating disorder. This means that it's okay for all of the times I'm stronger, and it's also okay for all of the times when I am not. Because when I was beating myself up for every strength I couldn't muster, I constantly and indefinitely labelled myself as a failure, which was a horrible space to exist in. Finally, I allow myself to hear the good things, believe the good things, and have faith in the good things instead of completely detaching myself from the possibility of being free. I accept that I have room to grow, change, try new things, and evolve now, even if it's within the realms of anorexia.

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When I was first diagnosed with anorexia, I never imagined my life with it, not forever. And then year after year passed, and suddenly, I couldn't envision a life for myself without it. People with anorexia sometimes speak of the version of themself that is healthy, but I don't know if I have that part of me anymore. People online like to tell me that I am 'too far gone', and I think it is the cruel and ignorant way to put 'severe and enduring'. And if it is so that I am too far gone, I just want my parents, friends & family to know that every time I tried, even if it wasn't enough, I did it for you, I did it for love.

And, Dolls, perhaps I am the butterfly that never makes it out of the cocoon, but I like to remember the fact that that doesn't mean I don't still have wings.

Kisses,

COS x