If It's So Hard To Love You...

If it's so hard to love you, then why do I still do it?

I wish there was more rationality involved in this crippling and debilitating mental illness because whilst I can clearly comprehend the exhaustion and difficulty interlaced within our relationship, I pursue and allow its toxicity in a way I never would from another human being.

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If it's so hard to love you, why is it so easy for you to break my heart? Why is it so easy for you to convince me I'm worthless, broken, and insufficient? Why is it so easy to stop eating? I reduce everything about myself to the point where I'm so rotten that there isn't enough water in the world to bring me back to life, not when you've allowed me to be dead like that. Because a part of me dies every time I get to that point... this exact point.

If it's so hard to love you, how does your spell cast itself upon me, again and again, in a way that feels forevermore? If it's so hard to love you, how do I keep unravelling and falling apart, fraying firstly at the edges and then entirely to the core? If it's so hard to love you, how do I let you get to me every time, expectedly and entirely? If it's so hard to love you, how do you cut off my wings every time I have a chance of flying? You're the rain that always pours, the season that never leaves, the battle I always lose. And why? Why, why, why do you hate me so? Or is it an obsession you have with me that keeps you lingering? What did I do to grab your attention, I wonder? I imagine it was my vulnerability that you swept yourself up in. Evil. You’re a predator, anorexia.

If it's so hard to love you, why do I keep wanting more? I see the heartbreak you cause, the lives you ruin, the relationships you break, the havoc you impose, and yet a part of me always loves you. And it makes me afraid that a part of me always will. Why can't I cut ties with you? Why is it so very hard to see you and choose to turn the other direction? Instead, I see those big, inviting eyes, and I fall in love with you all over again. Irrevocably, utterly, head over heels, in love. You're my sick addiction, and I'm so tired of not being able to break free from your deathly course.

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You beat me until I’m black and blue, and if it’s so hard to love you, then I should be free from your punches. But I’m not. And sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be. But not too often, because the answer to that question is also the one I fear the most.

Kisses,

COS x