How To Love A Life You've Lost

Dolls, I am always very honest with you for many reasons, some of which are: You truly resonate with my most honest self, my honesty allows other people with anorexia and their families to feel seen, heard, and validated, and allows for the utmost important, treasurable, and notable thing; education. So, in saying that? Honestly, Dolls, my eating disorder has made me lose a life I was just beginning to experience... my psychiatrist has advised me that I cannot be in the workforce anymore. And for those of you who know me the best, you'll know that my job in fashion was my dream come true. It was the perfect job for me. And resigning was one of the saddest things I've ever had to bring myself to do. I've lost a lot from my eating disorder, Dolls, more than just a job. I've lost my independence, my spontaneity, many relationships, my spark, and my light. And I could let that destroy me, easily. But I choose to do the harder thing, which is to love my life for what it is. I know that no matter what life looks like, you only get one, and you mustn't waste a minute resenting something. That one minute could be your last. This is how to love a life you've lost.

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My job was the passion I lost, so to continue loving life, I needed to incorporate another passion into my routine. I created one that allows me to, at least, carry out some of that fallback passion every day, which for me is writing, either my blog or my book. If you lost your job and didn't already have a passion, I would advise you to find one, whether it be gardening, art or research and executing bits of it every day to find a sense of fulfilment, jubilation, freedom and release. What I love most about focusing on this passion is that I have the time to dedicate all that I have to... All the inspiration, all of the excitement, and all of the time. I feel that my work is more concise, more focused, more raw and more me.

And I reflect on these things because they allow me to be grateful for something I thought I would spend all of my time feeling sorry for myself for.

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To me, my family is everything: my purpose, my reason, and my home. They are my eternal safe space. As long as I have them, I have the meaning of life itself. When I lived by myself, I was so lonely, and just a video call from them was often the highlight of my day because I had all my doubts subside and all my reasons reinstated. And now that I'm home, with every physical touch of a hug or simply being in the same space as them are moments that I’m more-than-ever grateful for because I know all that I truly lost in their absence. This year, when I lost my ability to live by myself because of health diagnoses, I lost so much in those moments: my freedom, my strength, and the things I'd proven to myself that I could do beyond my eating disorder.

It was heartbreaking to discover that, despite my efforts, I was still so sick.

But even in this fortuitous situation, I had one thing by choice and intention, and that was the love between my family and me... The immense love. And the new life I was going to be living, back in the safety, warmth and security of my family home, is one that

I realised I could never be losing anything in, not by their side.

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It's scientifically proven that laughing releases endorphins. I'll never forget a conversation I had with a friend in eating disorder treatment: We looked into each other's eyes, both with tears, and she said to me, 'Do you remember the last time you laughed?' I reflected her sadness, realising that I, too, could not remember the last time I'd genuinely had that big, massive, belly laugh that makes you feel free and good and warm. It is not a rare occasion anymore for me to go days without laughter, which is so inextricably saddening, for laughing is one of life's greatest pleasures, and in my opinion, there should not be a day without one. Find something, every day, to make you laugh. It is a beautiful, happy, positive thing that deserves to be felt, explored and done every single day.

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Dolls, I write this post because often I find myself focusing on all of the moments in my life that have become tainted by anorexia’s rule. I want to spend more time focusing on how much I have to be grateful for, and that only hits the tip of the iceberg with passions, a loving family, and laughter.

Kisses,

COS x