What You Get When You Give Anorexia Away

14 minutes ago

3 min read

You get love, love, and love.

When I was unwell, I was so incredibly insecure, too tired to hold a conversation, too sad to appreciate the happy moments in life, and too broken to allow someone to make me feel whole. But when I gave anorexia away, I found the love of others, and I found the love I had the capacity to offer. I found this amazing, beautiful, patient, funny person who anorexia has never gotten to know because I would never allow that darkness to weave its way into a soul so incredibly pure, warm, kind, and gentle. It's one thing to accept anorexia into your own life, but you do have a choice to stop it from infiltrating the minds and hearts of people whom you care for. And God, do I care; I don't think I've ever cared so much. I share no relationship with anorexia. And anorexia shares no place in our relationship. I am completely free, and so, he gets to be, too.

When you give anorexia away, you get to have the strength not to be triggered. In the thick of anorexia, nearly everything triggered me. I used every opportunity as an excuse not to eat. Since I've recovered, it's been quite shocking to hear the things people feel are appropriate to say but are clearly not. And don't get me wrong, it has been very hurtful at times because, though I might now be a happy person, Dolls, there was a long time when I was very sad, and I found comfort in not respecting my body. And when you overcome something so deadly, you'd hope that people would be a little more sensitive to what you've been through. But since I am so grateful to be so very happily alive, I recognise that I absolutely have a choice to focus on the beautiful, well-intended things people say. A lady at my local coffee shop the other day told me I had my light back, that I looked gorgeous, and she didn't say 'healthy ' or mention anything about weight; it was just purely kind and a glowing appreciation of what I've come out the other side of. People like that really touch me. So what I get, in giving anorexia away, is an ability to appreciate compliments without allowing an illness to butcher them.

As a kid myself, I had so much energy and was incredibly silly and cheeky. I love children; I’ve always loved their innocence and their joy. Sadly, when I developed anorexia, it started to take that away from me. I just lost my attention span and needed more time to myself. I lost my personality, and it broke my heart. I wanted to give, but I was too tired. When my boyfriend told me he was going to tell his daughter about us, I was SO excited, and I prayed that my excitement and full recovery would allow my patience to re-flourish. Due to her being an angel child, full of maturity, generosity and delightfulness, in all the time we’ve spent together, not a single drop of fatigue has wound its way into the memories we’ve made. My full recovery has allowed for full experiences of being a part of this little girl's world. I am so thankful that giving anorexia away gave me that connection with her and her dad. I feel so lucky… Not just lucky to know this little girl, but lucky that I survived to live this life in the way I was always meant to live it.