Eating Alone
- Luka
- 12 minutes ago
- 4 min read
Eating alone when you have an eating disorder is kind of like putting a drug addict in a room full of drugs. Eating alone is either easier or harder than eating with others, and there's no in between. I've been on both sides: the side when it's been easier to eat alone and the side where it's been harder to eat alone. I want to share what goes on inside a person's head on both sides for the sake of curiosity and helping somebody through it.
History
When I first started struggling with my eating disorder, I tried to do most of my eating in private because I was trying to isolate myself from a) others being able to recognise my restriction and b) because I felt so ashamed: I felt ashamed of my food choices, I felt ashamed of my fear of food, and I felt ashamed that I found something hard that everyone else found so easy, natural and enjoyable. My struggle with eating alone started when I used being alone as my opportunity to engage with the eating disorder. It took that form because I was afraid of the food being cooked for me at family meals or at restaurants. So I ate in private because I could then eat the things that felt safe to me. That only bred and perpetuated the shame that I was different and an outsider. Food acts as such an opportunity for connection with others, and I was isolated from that. I didn't know it at the time, but this disconnected me from my friends and family. Looking back, simple things like saying 'no' all the time and not bonding over how yummy something was, etc, meant that my friends, who didn't know me as well as my family, started to think I was, to put it quite brutally, a bit boring. That was the first side of the coin, but then it spun. Suddenly, my eating disorder took a turn. I stopped being afraid of the sort of food available to me and became afraid of eating food altogether. It had been disordered eating, but now it became restrictive eating. Every day was an opportunity for me to eat as little as possible. And so eating in front of my friends and family was the only time I was eating. Of course, they didn't know that, and I didn't tell them that because that would've been terrifying for them, considering it wasn't that often. Again, I kept this a secret and continued to suppress my shame further and further down. So when my parents asked me to eat alone because they were going out, for example, the healthy part of me feared it because I felt that I had to listen to the eating disorder and use this as my excuse to not eat. I was eroding trust left, right, and centre behind their backs, promising that I would eat or promising that I had eaten.
I was a slave to my eating disorder, an absolute total slave.
Tips for eating alone
At some point, you have to accept that you are worth a life beyond anorexia, worth a life that lets you eat when you're so hungry, a life that doesn't tell you you aren't worth anything and don't deserve to eat, a life where you feel enough, special, and important. To start this process, you need to be able to have a serious conversation with yourself, like I did, cutting all the bullshit, and saying I, Luka Scout, want and deserve more.
When I'm eating alone, I tell myself the truths about normal eating: people eat all the time by themselves because they need fuel as they're racing out the door, because they find food pleasurable, and because they're hungry.
Anorexia likes manipulating the necessity for food, but science doesn't lie; biologically, humans. must. eat.
To manage eating alone when you want to restrict is about focusing on your future goals over your present desires. Every time I have to eat alone without fail, I ask myself, will this get me to Paris with my mum? Will this support my career goals? Will this food mean I keep my personality and spark? It doesn't always combat my urges, but overcoming your eating disorder 90% of the time is so much better than 0% of the time. It's not about perfection and 100%. It's about working on your recovery in your own way, little bit by little bit, every day.
Tips for eating with others
I remind myself that eating with others isn't just about the food everyone's eating. It's about sharing the same flavours, letting each other share bites, laughing that one person wished they'd ordered what somebody else had. I remind myself that eating with others is about people expressing their love language to you: doting over you, making your favourite meal, or cooking something they're proud to call one of their recipes.
I remind myself that eating with others is about being able to travel. To travel for long times with someone, it's too hard to hide everything you eat; you must eat with them when you're together 24/7. And that's a good thing because travelling isn't about concealing; it's about vivaciously creating memories and moments out in the open.
I remind myself that eating with others allows me to get closer to the people I love. Instead of always fighting them on it, surrendering to their company and support proves each other's love.
One more moment with others is one less moment you have to spend with the eating disorder.
I will say one thing: learning how to eat with people and by yourself is truly a journey and a battle. It takes courage to keep getting back up again after failure. But I’ve found courage in times when I felt wholly black, and so I know, from experience, that courage is possible even on your darkest days.
Kisses,
COS x
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