THIS ISN'T A GAME. THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
- Luka
- Jun 4
- 2 min read
Because what if one day you wake up and realise you've gambled away your life?
When I first developed anorexia, I used it in the way you use a game: I played by taking turns in its mind, I counted wins by marking myself as 'good' or 'bad', I punished myself for losses, and I created more rules to elaborate on the game's difficulty. I played a game because it provided relief from the abandonment I'd experienced and it was exciting to be a winner because it was for the first time in a long time. I had something that I could depend on and something that I knew how to achieve. Even with the suffering involved, the victories made it feel worthwhile. This isn't a game. I realised this when I collapsed to the floor because I couldn't physically hold myself up anymore. I realised this when I broke down in my mother's arms telling her how scared I was of dying. I realised this when my dad interrupted me reading him a blog post because he couldn't focus with the troubling veins bulging in my head and the bones in my jaw protruding.
I realised this wasn't a game when, suddenly, I no longer knew if I was winning or losing.
In games, things can go wrong and nothing bad will happen. Perhaps you get tagged as 'out' or put on the sidelines for a few rounds. But in life, when things go wrong, there can be severe and enduring consequences. The consequences I am experiencing from anorexia are terrifying and catastrophic. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody to have their body fail them because of the nature of their mind.
To hurt oneself is an ultimate tier of dismay.
In thinking anorexia is a game, these are some of the many physical side effects:
Osteoporosis
Anemia
Reduced pituitary gland
Organ failure
In thinking anorexia is a game, these are some of the many emotional side effects:
Depression
Suicidal ideation
Broken relationships
Developing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Your life is not meant to be toyed with and certainly not daily. Your life is meant to be something precious, something you count your lucky stars to have, something that you cherish. The most beautiful part about your life is that you get to mould it with your own hands, creating what you deem as ideal, important and worthy. Take it from me, a girl poisoned by anorexia, don't wait until it's too late. Begin creating what you only have ever dreamed of, now.
Kisses,
COS x
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