The Flaw In The System

There are drastic flaws in the system designed to manage and treat an eating disorder. The system obstructs basic human rights, creates and worsens competitiveness and encourages disordered behaviours. The flaw in the system lies in the fact that, at times, it has done me more harm than good... A scary truth that I know many others can relate to. It is my dearest hope that this education can allow others to understand how the system can be traumatic for many people, that hospitals are not a golden ticket, and that sufferers' pain & fear involving it are valid.

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Two examples of human rights are the right to freedom of thought and the right to privacy. In many hospitals, there was an immense focus and effort by me needing to 'prove' that I wanted to recover and abstain from engaging in eating disorders thoughts, patterns and behaviours. I often felt that the only way to be discharged was to pretend that I didn't want to be sick anymore, lying my way out of the sad truth which is that many sufferers want their eating disorder. Eating disorders are horrible, and I can completely understand that everyone had my best interest at heart in their desire for me not to be unwell any longer. However, there is a strong distinction between encouraging health and making someone feel ashamed for thinking in a way that they cannot control. My right to privacy was completely ignored in all of my admissions. Incredibly personal information that I, on countless occasions, expressed that I was not comfortable in being shared with certain friends and family was shared without my consent. The information included exact weight and BMI, caloric intake, behaviours that were being in, and conversations in psychological therapy that I'd been informed were private sessions. Above everything else I was going through, it was extremely distressing to feel that I had nobody I could safely talk about my feelings, emotions and concerns to.

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My ED was always competitive whenever I saw girls in real life who were thin, if I saw somebody be more strict with their food intake than me or if others compared my body to other bodies. However, I could largely manage these triggers, considering that in the real world, most of those triggers stem from diet culture, which was usually expressed infrequently and indirectly, such as in advertisements or fleeting comments. But nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, could've prepared me for the competitiveness I would establish as I began ED treatment with other patients. I didn't even know that side of me existed. Growing up, I was not an overly competitive child, so it was hugely shocking to me to witness a side of myself come out that I wasn't familiar with. It didn't help that, due to the competitive nature of eating disorders, everybody else in treatment with me was equally as competitive. Considering the restrictive nature of my eating disorder, I was often the thinnest girl in treatment which meant I was hated by the other patients. The effect of that involved having to manage the distress of my own triggers, but also suffer as a target for being deemed, constantly, endlessly, and (mostly) unreasonably, 'triggering.' I recall one extended period of my life in which I was afraid to go to treatment purely because I knew it would make me worse with the introduction of new behaviours, copying tactics and inhibiting new diet culture beliefs, practices and ideology. Isn't it horrific that the only specialised places delegated to treating eating disorders were the institutions that were directly making me sicker? What specified eating disorder treatment brought out in me and others was nothing but ugly, sad and dangerous on every level. 

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Some comments registered nurses and doctors have made to me throughout treatment:

• 'Skinny Minny.'

• 'You're too skinny, Darling.'

• 'Is it coffee drinking that helps all of you girls with eating disorders lose weight?'

• 'Put on 10kg and you'll be fine.'

• 'I can feel all your ribs!'

• 'Why does everything with you have to be so difficult?'

My disordered behaviours were often encouraged by nurses and doctors through their use of marvelling at me. They glorified the state I was in with fascination as to how I continued to allow myself to get so sick. This made me feel as though I had to constantly prove to them that I fit this description of the perfect anorexic they labelled me as being. I had nurses compare my behaviours to other eating disorder patients, which either gave me ideas for new behaviours or reaffirmed my desire to be the sickest out of all the other patients they'd dealt with. Their incessant comments made me feel isolated. Their incessant comments made it harder to focus on my treatment. And their incessant comments offended me terribly.

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No systems are perfect, not in hospice, not in workplaces and certainly not in eating disorder treatment. But I feel this matter goes beyond whether or not a system is perfect, as it is fundamentally bleeding into lives being lost. At the hands of worsening environments in ED treatment, young people are actively sneaking around guidelines, procedures and prescriptions to make themselves worse. I don't know the exact way out of this sticky web, but I know it begins by educating the professionals about the harm of their approach or at least, educating families and friends about what actually goes on in these facilities so that perhaps, they think twice about sending their loved one there. Kisses,

COS x